Commit log #1

First, three good things:

1. My bartender is a great guy. And so patient even during my most obtuse moments. Of course, he is paid to do this, so la. But still, it’s hard to find a good psychologist. I’m grateful.

2. I managed to sleep without Ambien. It proves to me it can be done, even though I’ll struggle with sleep cycles for the rest of my life, like it or not.

3. Nexus 7. Man, is it sweet. It’s way better than the Kindle Fire in many ways (though the screen glass is not as scratch-proof, and it lacks videos from Amazon’s video-on-demand service).

Extra credit of life thingies in general:

Bad things that happened to me are in the past. I’m working through sadness and anger now, and the terror is less, though not gone. I just need to remember: past, can’t hurt me. Let the feelings flow through me; they still can’t hurt me, and they will go away and I’ll still be here.

I also need to work on my logic. My critical thinking. I keep playing the same groove in the record because I know it by heart and venturing out is not my thing. It needs to become my thing, because it’s not a good groove to be in.

I remember my father being… comforted or mollified by my foolishness. So I’ve played the fool all my life because it’s a script I know, to the point where it became true. As long as I keep doing this, I’m letting what he did to me influence my life.

Things must change.

I must remember these things.

I must not give in to comfort zone folly.

This is probably the worst thing about me, which I dislike looking at, thinking of, reasoning about. (Why do we writers often like lists??) This I lay out so I can look at this entry, so near a date I turned into a trigger for myself when I cut all ties with my parents and they started stalking me, and remember.

I must form new habits. And there isn’t a better way (or maybe a way at all) except through practice.

I gotta say… I worry a lot that I will have burned all my relationships before I reach my goal. Maybe I should just not bother people for a while; maybe I should just hide amongst strangers and not talk about things like this to friends or anybody else but my psychologist. And this blog, which people can ignore anyways.

Yes. I think this would be best. Even if I break it’s not permanent. It’s hell for days, sure, but it’s not forever. And I’ve got so many minutes on my phone, I could fill someone’s ears and then some on the psychologist hotline.

I’ll still blog my dailies. I was better when I did that.

It crosses my mind for the last several months: I don’t deserve friends. I am afraid to think that this may just be logical.

Anyways. Three good things tomorrow. Repeats in different forms of things I learn about myself. I’ll try to stop the self-pity because gods… It’s just fucked up, you know?

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2 thoughts on “Commit log #1

  1. Awesome bartenders are worth cherishing, because they make our lives better.

    I’m trying to rephrase “I must …” into “I can …” It takes some of pressure off, which in turn dials down the anxiety. “I can finish this essay” is helpful in a way that “I must finish this essay” is not.

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