Commit log #4

Three good things:

1. My friends.

2. Mora Ice Cream’s Pear Sorbet. (If only I’d found the right kind of peaches for ice cream/sorbet, I would have made a batch.)

3. No intrusive memories and no fear of them. Today was just incredible sadness that bad things happened to me, with a dash of anger that just generated more tears. Moving past the fear is good; now I have other things to work on.

Life thingies:

Much as I find the work I do currently boring, my current position has done me a lot more good than harm. Indeed, you could say that there’s no harm done at all, my late feelings of wretchedness being mostly a function of present events interacting with the emotional pitfalls of July. Most importantly, I’m starting to sleep nights through without medication. I needed medication every night because the pager wrecked havoc with my sleeping schedule, but ha, medication was incompatible with the pager, a no-win situation.

Doubtless there will be other benefits the longer I stay off a pager rotation. I wonder how much a pager’s intrinsic state of alert tied into my anxiety attacks, and whether being off a pager meant I could start working through feelings other than terror.

Basically, this all means that a pagerless state of being is more important than any other job consideration.

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