Commit log #20

Twentieth commit log so far!

Three good things:

1. Finished Jim C. Hines’ Libriomancer. Like the first book in his Princess series, he starts off slow, but as things gather speed and he finds his footing it gets much better. I ended up quite liking the book—which is also one of the first times I’ve seen the name-dropping of other books do some actual good in the story—and looking forwards to the next in the series.

2. The extended edition of Mark Reads Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is now available! I was wondering lately what I could read for comfort reading, and this particular series is the perfect answer.

3. I pulled through at work, even though a background thread in my head kept wanting to keel over screaming. I got better as the weather cooled off. I think there might be something complex related to heat and feeling isolated going on in my head….

Things I like about myself: um. I like boardgames? I have a Nexus 7 and it’s pretty rocking? I have over 1500 posts in my blog? I’m reaching, I know. I don’t like the other aspects of me that I’ve covered in the past; they feel empty and meaningless; they’re all what other people would find valuable about me, leaving nothing for myself. Which is not surprising, as I thrive off what others think of me, like a self-checking system where I don’t trust what I think about my own self. I know not trusting myself is a pattern.

What can I do to get me to trust me? :( It all ties into liking myself, I’m sure of it. I have to find my own reasons, which is why I’ve got this exercise of things-I-like-about-myself in my commit logs, no matter how often I fail it.

Hmm. Now that I think about it, here’s one thing I can think of that I think is good of me: I don’t throw other people under the bus. Maybe I should start applying that principle to myself.

Self-improvement: I will stop acting like a dependent child. I’m going to break down what that means tomorrow. And probably over the next several days.

6 thoughts on “Commit log #20

  1. Pushing the terror to a background thread is v impressive!

    (FF 14.0.1 claims that this site’s certificate is not to be trusted. Safari cruised on in. Mac.)

  2. One of the things that has been helpful in the past is to compare a transgression with an actual crime (extortion or robbery will do nicely), and ask how long the punishment for the crime would last. A couple of years? Out in 5 months for good behavior?

    Then, if that is true for an actual crime, decide that transgression should certainly not be punished LONGER – so cut out the self-punishment that seems to go on forever. You’d get less time in jail for manslaughter! Fairness requires that you cut yourself a break after a reasonable period of time, because, really, you didn’t do one of the horrible things.

    Helps to create a sense of proportion. Comparing the length of time you would punish someone else works, too, but we tend to have higher standards for ourselves than for others, so it could be contraindicated. The news has plenty of information about sentences for crimes. Give yourself plenty of slack.

      • And then, once you get the idea of this limiting-punishment thing, go for a General Amnesty.

        The likelihood that, with all that’s happened to you, you will now turn into a horrible person if you don’t continue to self-flagellate is zero. Really. 0.0000000000000%

        General Amnesty: free restart. Reset all counters. All debts repaid and/or eradicated. Start from today. And again, from tomorrow. Those who taught you otherwise are wrong. If you are religious, go forth and sin no more. If not religious, the self-flagellation is even more meaningless – just root it out mercilessly every time it rears its ugly head, and eventually it will stop being the automatic response. Especially, when you consider how amazingly you have done WITH the burden – think how it will go without it. (Easy to say, much harder to do – but you’ve done so much already.) (Hope better sleep is helping, too.)

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