Paging Glory Hound

“Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride—where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.”
– Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pride and Prejudice, ironically as it turned out

I’m having issues with moving to another position that doesn’t stress me out with oncall.

Specifically, I’m having a hard time saying yes, let’s do this.

The background of the matter: I don’t sleep while I’m oncall (pager and such). I can’t take the medication that would allow me to do so. Sometimes I can get a little sleep, but that’s incidentally when the pager goes off. It’s gotten to the point where my talking is slow and thick because it’s always been only a few days (or none) since I was last oncall. After a weekend oncall, where I don’t sleep for 72 hours, well, I really can’t make up the sleep in just one day for some reason.

Most people find it quite natural that I would pursue a position without a pager. I daresay most people in my position would have done so long ago.

I did not, not until things came to an absolute head (which really was rather detrimental).

And that is because I’m excessively proud of what I’ve done in the past in the face of oncall. I’m prideful about being on teams that always had oncall, because they were at the heart of the business, because working on massively distributed systems on astounding scales sounds—and is—awesome. Because work that affects millions of customers world-wide is hella cool. Oncall is a necessary price of such prestige. It couldn’t be otherwise.

My new position will serve a department of customers. There will be no parallelism nor anything of the same distributed nature. It’s difficult for me not to see that as a lowering. There’s a societal pressure, too, amongst some of us in these so-vital teams; the idea that we must be special for enduring so much, and that those who give up are to be pitied, shrugged over; and the remaining must soldier on, because projects and oncall wait for no man or woman.

But then I remember all the senior engineers, including those I really respected, almost all of them stars, who left the various teams I’ve been on due, in large part, to the oncall burden. They went on and did other things, of necessity things not like what they’d done before, and yet they were happy. They had their own glories, or, more likely, they were not prideful enough to need glories. (I think there is a difference between work that makes you proud and work you seek for glory.)

It took my bartender an hour of similes and metaphors to convince me that what was holding me up was my pride. But really, his work had its foundation built by my friends, who are the campaigners for my soul when, through pride or some other excuse, I refuse to be one.

I’m drolly amused that I picked a specific time and place in my life to become temporarily obsessed over Pride and Prejudice, only to have its themes actually become relevant in my life.

A post like this by a fool deserves some sort of resolution, but resolutions tend to fall apart for me. So I will simply look to not be so foolish with my health and sanity over supposed glory that has little value to anyone, including myself.

Good Life: My Comfort Music

It’s hard for me to think of my life as a good one. And truthfully, for one-third of it, it wasn’t a pleasant life at all. But these days… these days there’s a lot I’m thankful for, even though right now the day job is difficult, my life in general strolls on merrily. I’m all too aware that could change, but for now… life is good.

Although I don’t agree with some of the lyrics in this song—there’s plenty to worry about in the world, like systematic racism, sexism, homophobia, jingoism, etc—but the rest of it is like a mantra to myself. I’ve come far, and this is a fine night, and this could really be a good life.

I remember a coworker of mine would listen to a radio station that was nothing but a prayer, over and over again. Or perhaps it was a tape, actually (I don’t have a tape player, or CD player, or anything in my car; it’s as simple as possible, because I believe in simple when it all comes down to the wire). Good Life is my prayer (for the most part).

Naturally I also wish it for all my protagonists in my fiction, though at times I’m puzzled as to how they’re going to get there.

Matches & Matrimony: I Have TOO Not Lost My Mind

So I discovered Matches & Matrimony, a dating sim game 1 involving at least three Jane Austen books with most of the plot being provided by Pride and Prejudice, through Angie Gallant’s Let’s Play thread. 2

So why not? Especially since, not only is it available for Mac and Windows (and is probably simple enough to work on Wine), but it’s also available for just a couple bucks as Kindle Active Content.

WHY NOT INDEED.

The graphics are hilarious for the most part. That up there is my father, a sarcastic wit who needs to rein in his youngest daughter Lydianne 3, and my mother, a silly nitwit who is Lydianne in grown-up form. 4

I’ll note from the start that the Kindle version puts a lot of text together instead of making you step through every single speaking part. This helps in all cases except for Mr. Collins. Well, technically it helps the most in his case.

You play as the second Bennet daughter, and your goal is to get married to the eligible bachelor of your choice. The flow of the game is like this:

  • Schedule activities for each weekday to raise certain of your stats (studying the arts will, for instance, increase your Talent and Sensibility, whereas going for walks will raise your willpower and reduce your propriety; most activities will also reduce your available energy).

  • Over the weekend days, you experience adventures where you get to select choices, some of which will not be available if you don’t have the appropriate stat raised to a certain level.

  • Your decisions affect what happens to the attachment/friendship levels from various other characters, and sometimes your stats.

A lot of the text is straight out from Pride & Prejudice and other Austen books, so the writing isn’t anywhere near as painful as it is for most dating sim games, and thus is actually witty, literate, and moving. There’s a surprising amount of strategy to the game—it’s not a simple dating sim rip-off, you have to actually work for each of the endings that aren’t “You, alone for the rest of your life, become Jane Austen.” Except you don’t need to work very hard to get Mr. Collins; he is an ending, but if you’re not careful, he cuts you off from the other eight endings. Truly, Mr. Collins is a first level boss if you care for anyone other than him, and you most likely will.

The Darcy endings (there are two) are the most difficult in the game to achieve, as in the game there’s no indicator whether what you just did made him like you more or less; you’ll only know at the end of a stage chapter how well you’re doing on his attachment meter. Fortunately, after your first play through, you can ask for help on each of the bachelors. You’ll need it particularly when aiming for Darcy, but you can steal Bingley from Jane, persist with the unwise action of pursuing Wickeby (aka, Wickham), pursue other bachelors from other Jane Austen books, and, yes, if you really can’t help it, marry Mr. Collins.

*shudder*

Where was I? Oh yes. This game is actually educational. After you reach the Darcy #2 ending you will have quite a thorough understanding of how their love story works—as the help says, it’s not Romeo & Juliet; both characters are flawed, and how they develop together is important to getting to the best end. Dare I say it, I found myself appreciating the original story of Pride & Prejudice on a deeper level afterwards.

I had rather a lot of fun playing this game, and it was well worth the $2.

If you’re a Jane Austen fan, like the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure genre, and don’t feel shy about resorting to a walkthrough when frustrated, I highly recommend this game.

Also, after this game, I appreciated the early (and fairly humiliating) killing of Mr. Collins in The Darcys of Pemberley. TAKE THAT, GUY WHO SAYS NO MEANS YES.

Notes:

  1. There are dating sims for guys and dating sims for gals. Each sub-genre has different tropes, and the study of the differences and similarities, plus their general ignorance of anything other than straight relationships, would probably make for an interesting thesis for somebody. [back]
  2. Of course, I discovered that thread through her Hatoful Boyfriend Let’s Play, an apocalyptic future pigeon dating sim. It’s a send-up of every trope in the for-women dating sim sub-genre and a thread I suggest you not read while simultaneously drinking something. [back]
  3. Yes, there’s an amalgamation of certain Austen characters together. [back]
  4. If you’ve been reading my blog for a certain amount of time, you know that these are infinite steps up from my biological parents. [back]

S∂ Restoration Project Continues

I’ve resurrected and modified the following pages (and related posts, where I could find them):

  • The Lonely Gamer with an index of CGI scripts usable for the D&D Adventure Game System, Pocket Battles, and Summoner Wars.
  • Tea Reviews.

I am contemplating setting up a separate Sherlock Holmes site once more. Until then, here’s my Sherlock Holmes page.

Elder Sign: Braggity and Not So Braggity

Ah, Elder Sign, one of my current favorite games, even though the Luck Entity can be such a tease. Or a monster.

First, non-braggity: my first game of the day was over before it really began. From quick advancement of the doom track for Ithaqua, to investigators not really fit for the adventures pulled from the deck (I went through four investigators, when I play solo with two), to not very good gameplay, I never managed to win over even one adventure. Le sigh.

For the curious, investigators were: Bob Jenkins, Darrell Simmons, Michael McGlen, Vincent Lee. I don’t recall the adventures pulled, except that there was one that locked away a green die, which is even more evil than the ones that lock a red or yellow die.

Braggity: my second game went much better, due mostly to the investigators involved, very slow advancement of the doom track for Hastur, far better luck in adventures and monsters and midnight cards, and better gameplay on my part. Clue tokens, as I’d forgotten in the first game, are the key to success, as they allow you to reroll a failed roll without penalties. You need to attack cards as opportunity allows, as you build up a cache of items.

And allies… allies are certainly powerful, and worth the five trophies you can pull. I only had one, Professor Armitage, but his ability to bring in two spells meant that I could conquer more of the harder adventures earlier in the game, which made end-game easier.

The investigators, who remained relatively hale and hearty throughout the game, were Carolyn Fern and Mandy Thompson (whose two-dice per-turn re-roll saved my bacon at least five times).

I’m incredibly pleased.

Session 6 in Cat Rambo’s F&SF Workshop

All good things must come to an end.

~

Four days previous I submitted my first piece to a market (inspired, by the way, by Jeremy Tolbert’s Write Me A Story About This Tumblr). This isn’t something I ever contemplated doing; like many things where writing is concerned, I took this class for a lark (not ill-meant; it’s just how I roll, even for subjects I eventually take in all seriousness later). I know it’s not perfect, and rejection is far more likely than not, but I know it’s time to move on to the next story.

Something has been unblocked in me; old worlds that I thought dead have suddenly sprung back to life, and new ones are blossoming into existence.

~

Three days ago I finished my last critique for the class. I’m not a master of the critique by any measure, but through trial and error required by these past few weeks, I’ve learned that I analyze works best by retyping, I really do, ending up with in-depth annotations that, while still lacking in touching upon bigger concerns, are ones that I can say I was able to put serious thought into. Previously I’d only applied the retyping exercise to established works; this was my first foray into its applications for unpublished work, and I find the method not wanting except for its extended and sometimes painful duration.

~

Two days ago I scrolled out the first chapter, the very first one, of what I now recognize is an ongoing saga, something I never would have applied to Seal Tales if I could have helped it in the past. Part of this was because I simply have been growing as a writer even in these short few months, and very definitely in these short few weeks; and part of this is because I’m better at recognizing what is and what isn’t a short story. Additionally, because of the specific examples I’d chosen for my character exercise, I knew the main players better, and could see better how they’d developed from their old forms on the page.

I took the time to rewrite the first chapter. For the first time, it wasn’t a rewrite that lost its fire, but fanned it. I drew upon techniques and tools both explicitly taught and implicitly learned. Part of this, too, were the weekly writing assignments that forced us to look at writing at different angles, and in the later weeks, to experiment with different writing styles (after all, exercises aren’t completely serious commitments, not like stories or novels are). Timed writing exercises encouraged me to lay it all down on the page like fire, and tinker only afterwards—long afterwards, even, once I saw the value in letting a work lie until enough distance has been gained to revisit the text.

After the workshop, for better or for worse, I’ll likely be writing in omniscient “involved author” present tense. Not something that was pushed upon us, but something that I discovered I like where exercises are concerned. Later this may mutate, but for the time being, it’s a new way to roll.

These things I wouldn’t have figured out as easily without the workshop.

~

Yesterday, class ended. The best takeaway from the ending Q&A session was the following: that the writer should, first and foremost, take care of themself. All else follows—well, almost. We have a tendency to beat ourselves up over various items that, in hindsight, are quite silly.

And of course, there was a bunch of other stuff about the writing life, career, etc.

The workshop group is a good one; there’s something about the class offering that drew together a great bunch of folks who I would not be adverse in sharing my writerly victories and woes with. We’ve bonded, through the teachings and occasional mercilessness of Cat. >^.^<

And yet, there is a part of me that prefers to lone wolf this stuff (as I have done so for just about everything in my life, and writing very much in particular). I much appreciate this small taste of what Clarion must be like, to know for myself the workshop experience, even if ultimately I break away from the group for reasons of practicality and, frankly, personal temperament.

Yet who knows? Maybe for once I’ll have formed lasting writing relationships. There’s a first time for everything.

~

And where I go after this, I don’t quite know.

I’ll have Steering the Craft in one hand, Starve Better in the other, and Nascence balanced on my head. I will carry with me the knowledge I’ve gained in this class, from Cat, from my peers, from practice.

Today, though, I gotta finish up the Darcy extended storyline of Matches & Matrimony.

~

Previous posts: Session 1 – Session 2 – Session 3 – Session 4 – Session 5

Session 5 in Cat Rambo’s F&SF Workshop

Everything is starting to come to a close already, which I don’t want to think about, because this has been an awfully swell ride.

I ended up retyping two of the pieces up for workshop, because I had a mental block versus reading narrative without the help of the keyboard (I get that way, sometimes, which is when I read non-narrative non-fiction). As a result, I got into a lot more detail with my critiques. I’m not sure it was a good method, but I did learn to read text more carefully, as, all in all, I ended up retyping some 20,000 words over three days (two pieces for Cat’s workshop, three pieces in the Online Writing Workshop, a tiny piece of my own work, and MOAR Pride and Prejudice).

Hm, yes, that’s what I spent this weekend on, instead of blogging. Retyping. Peering into the souls of other people’s works, and doing my best to critique. If I really do choose this method, I’m going to end up being the slowest critiquer ever.

Anyways, the class: ’twas about revising and rewriting. I actually revise in chunks as I write, but when it comes to revising the whole thing—or even just large parts of the whole thing—I’m at a loss. Cat told us her method of approaching the drafts, the developmental edit, and successive levels of editing/revision, going from the big picture and applying finer and finer grades of sandpaper.

I see in my notes that I’ve basically circled the secret to endings.

I have a lot of notes.

I certainly would have liked to have these notes and then try the revision homework, rather than the other way around. But now I really will get to try them out for realisies.

Next week is the last week. The workshopping of each other’s work might continue, which would be interesting—we have a good mix of folks. At some point we’ll stop thinking of it as our work being put upon the sacrificial stone.

I really wish I’d been able to put together a second, real story for workshop.

Previous posts: Session 1 – Session 2 – Session 3 – Session 4