Yeah. So. It’s still there. And I hate it.

Yesterday after the last continue—by which I mean my last Xanax I could take safely for the day—the fear hit me around midnight or so, to the point where the hammer of the merciful goddess Ambien did no good.

So after an hour of this I took another continue. And then another an hour later, before the fear let go. This is beyond a Sledgehammer for me (Ambien plus Xanax; they feed into each other).

I slept peacefully (thank you, Overherd) and then when I woke up this morning, the jackhammer of fear started when I failed my PTSD check. I forget these things can last a few days after the triggering holiday has passed. Fucking GM.

I may or may not get an emergency appointment with my bartender or candyman. I got pretty desperate yesterday. But they seem to have mixed up my appointment time. So perhaps not. It took a while to convince them they had screwed up… oh well.

I feel like hell. I feel like screaming and not stopping for a few hours. And I can’t walk straight. It’s like a Friday repeat, but I have to go in to work or else I’ll go mad for lack of seeing people, but I’m probably borrowing against tomorrow’s spoons.

See, this is how PTSD is. It’s terrifying, but also fucking boring. It’s the bad D&D campaign that goes on for too long.

Anyways. Hopefully I can see somebody and/or at least last the day, but I feel like I’m losing it. I was hoping the long weekend would be enough, but it did come with the trigger holiday embedded in it, didn’t it….

I do an awful lot of things because I have to. We all do. I just hope I don’t snap.