I did a stupid thing.

After a very hot day of running all the fans, I forgot I would likely be experiencing a nightmare soon. My father was always at his worst during hot days, and fans (necessary though they were), whether by themselves or inside air conditioners, seemed to trigger him. As a result, they plus heat can trigger me.

It makes me very sad.

So I had a nightmare. It was really quite bad, and I woke up in the early hours of the morning crying. I couldn’t get back to sleep until later this morning, which meant work was not going to be in the cards. I hate that about myself; that I’m still shaken by my nightmares enough to miss out on days. I utterly loathe myself right now, though it is pointless to feel that way—I can loathe myself all I like, but that by itself doesn’t effect change.

I don’t remember the nightmare. I’ve been letting it slide back and away from me, rather than trying to hang onto its every detail, which usually doesn’t go well for me.

What am I going to do with myself? I honestly don’t know. I used to experience nightmares far more often, and now that I barely do at all I feel like I’ve gone soft. Of course, not remembering the nightmare, I don’t know how I would have scored it on a scale from 1 to Dragon, and Not the Good Kind. I don’t think it was anywhere near the latter? But I don’t remember so fnff. Maybe I should scribble down the rating next time before forgetting.

I’m very tired and worried that I’m being weak.

And there I go, crying again….

I really hate myself.