I’m Not Sick, But I’m Not Well

“Flagpole Sitta” by Harvey Danger. Often mistakenly attributed to Blink 182 and Greenday, which is… understandable.

I first heard this song while programming in a basement, or messing with Apache configurations (damn you Apache 1 → Apache 2), or trying to find a sane replacement for sendmail (I experimented with qmail, and then settled on postfix, and… oh never mind.)

During this time I was on the run from my parents and still on the University campus, so they definitely did have access to me. I’d also run into two betrayals at this point, and three prevented betrayals (as in my parents asked someone to attempt to get access to me, but they sanely didn’t try this and warned me). This did take a few years. Of hell.

The lyrics that stuck in my mind, and still do (they start at 2:25):

Paranoia, paranoia,
Everybody’s comin’ to get me!
Just say you never met me,
I’m runnin’ underground with the moles
(Diggin’ holes).

Hear the voices in my head,
I swear to God, it sounds like they’re snoring—
But if you’re bored then you’re boring!
The agony and the irony,
They’re killin’ me!

I’m not sick, but I’m not well,
and I’m so hot ’cause I’m in hell.

Yeah, so. If I seem a bit reticent and reluctant to talk (or at least, more reluctant than normal), avoiding people on IM and all, it’s because I’m paranoid as fuck right now. And that never works out well.

You know, I can’t help but think I’d be a more effective stance-taker in arguments if I wasn’t concerned that people could knock the legs from under any argument with, “But then again, she’s literally insane and admits it.”

P.S.: The paranoia is never personal. But it’s always hard for people to not take it personally. I don’t know, y’all. Sometimes it gets a bit much to deal with.