So advanced, in fact, that I can write this blog post from bed.
I usually wouldn’t be in bed this long, but I’d been waiting for a call from my psychologist to answer the question: “Why did I feel so suicidal and currently am not suicidal but extremely depressed after telling you about my past life, especially since the last time I felt this way it was actually happening but right now nothing bad is happening?”
I mean, I wondered if there was more to all of that. His return call came in less than an hour (I didn’t tell the office person that it was an emergency.)
So we talked the past week of suicidal and then deeply depressed, and mainly there were two things:
I haven’t ever told all of my life in one go like that. Ever. Not even to previous psych dudes. That was probably why.
Also my closest friend (who I could tell this stuff to, in little bits, and not actually lose as a friend) is still out of my life somewhere in Redmond, so life is not perfect, especially in relation to dealing with the past. That doesn’t help.
Also he told me that if things get very bad again, I can always call the clinic’s specific number. Even at night and on weekends and talk to the operator, so someone gets paged and will talk to me.
So I will. My manager at work actually encouraged me to call in the first place, and that there really would be someone all the time, with pagers.
So now I have called and gotten my question answered and then some.
I don’t know what happens from now. I suspect I will get out of bed and shower and go to work after getting something from the Mickey D drive-thru. And tonight is probably another night of “no, I refuse to take the knockout, it’s bad for me, even if I want it so badly” transitioning to “ok my psychiatrist said it was okay and unconscious is a good deal right now.”
Basically, once work stops, life gets hard. But I don’t currently have the endurance to work a 16 hour day.
Anyways I have the clinic number in my iPhone contacts listed as a favorite, which I suppose is the new speed dial.
Ok. Getting outta bed after hitting “publish”.