I’ve Always Tried to Be the Cat What Walks Alone, But

I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me ’bout the blue, blue sky
And all that I can see
Is just another lemon tree
I’m turning my head up and down,
I’m turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see
And all that I can see
And all that I can see
Is just a yellow lemon tree
        — “Lemon Tree”, Fool’s Garden

So, Thanksgiving was kind of a bit too exciting, or too emotion-draining, and at least a little bit too mild-flashbacky to have thought coherently about things to be thankful for. There was, for better or for worse, something of a mental playback of a lot of bad memories—not just of my parents, but of people who I met in real life and who just didn’t understand, nearly to the point of deadly if well-intentioned betrayal in at least two cases. Of the people I’ve met in real life, it’s about 25/50/25, respectively, on the understand, don’t understand but will leave me alone as the weird chick to not get too close to, and don’t understand and will take well-intentioned yet ill-advised action that nearly results in my death.

On the Internet, of course, one can have conversations with a lot of other people, and to some folks, that’s the bane of the Internet: to them it’s just shallow. You don’t get to meet people in the flesh, have beer with them, etc.

Of course, I’ve had pretty messed up luck on meeting people IRL.

But on the Internet, it’s much easier to find the more isolated pockets of people who have gone through rough experiences as well, and are less afraid to talk about them. It’s also much easier for me to talk about my problems, because I can go into detail in a blog entry—not so much as to bore people, but as to draw comparisons and express what this kind of stuff is really like to live through, because conversational settings don’t usually let me dive that deep. Abuse and trauma, and especially PTSD, is way out of the mingling social comfort zone.

Thus I get in touch with people in more ways than simply finding people “like me,” although that’s a biggie as well—though I still tend to be less involved in communities.

This is probably why I get a little incensed whenever anybody says, “But the Internet is a needless social construct.”

The Internet does fill a lot of gaps that IRL social rules and mores leave behind.

I guess if you haven’t gone through certain kinds of situations, you don’t really need the Internet and it’s just a frippery, and that’s fine. But for some of us, the Internet is much more than just tubes.

To some people, those who rely on the Internet in this manner are losers are destined to be burned/robbed/kill/raped, and hell, if that’s so, I’m a total loser. But since a large portion of them believe me already damned on many fronts, I suppose that’s just status quo.

Anyways, I’m very thankful that the Internet exists. And I’m very thankful that I’ve found the people that I have on the Internet. There are a lot of different points of view out there, and they enrich my life, and hopefully I enrich theirs a little bit.

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3 thoughts on “I’ve Always Tried to Be the Cat What Walks Alone, But

  1. Me too, on being glad you’re here.

    Lately I’ve been on a messageboard for people leaving a certain kind of Christianity (nolongerquivering.com) and met several young women whose connections to a world their parents don’t control completely are mostly on the internet. It’s really kind of blowing my mind – both the lengths people will go to, to isolate and control their kids, and the amazing resources and ingenuity of these young women, growing up in a world where online connections are a normal way to socialize.

    p.s. the apple-corer-peeler is the best kitchen gadget in the world. Mine has different widths, even, for drying apples & pie apples.

  2. Thank you, guys. :)

    (Apple-peeler-corer can also do potatoes, I’ve found. And probably apple-like fruits, like pears, I’m gonna try that later this week. It’s so awesome and fun….)

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