Depressing Thoughts Fluttering Like Birds in a Cage

  1. I think I’d be more OK if I was at work. Unfortunately, I’m at home waiting for the UPS person to stop by for a signed package, whenever they do (their automated system even called me at 8am to let me know this was so). Wouldn’t it be awful if they couldn’t deliver my package today for some reason.
  2. I’m so not OK I can’t concentrate on tasks for more than a few minutes at a time before paranoia, anxiety, and some reverie born of the two drag me closer to the flashback zone. Except of course I know there are triggers that will drag me back no matter what, and I may not even know ahead of time which these are. Lovely.
  3. I can’t help thinking about the people who betrayed me during the Years of Zorn and Tharn. They were my friends. We did things together. What they did to me cuts so deeply and sharply that years after the event I will end up crying. When I do the things we did together, even if I do them alone, the moment I learned of their betrayal, including how deep it went, haunts me. I don’t even understand it.
  4. The worst part is, undoubtedly, when I learned that they had been feeding information back to my parents for months, including my first new name, any conversations I had with them (and I was so wounded at the time that, believe me, I hung out with friends like whoa and revealed a lot of stuff), the information my own University had suppressed out of fear my parents would find me and kill me…
  5. No, the absolute worst part is that they already knew how much my parents abused me and just didn’t care.
  6. I had been friends with them for years.
  7. How could this happen? How could people be so… evil is the only word I’d put to it, and it takes a lot for me to call something evil.
  8. On the other hand, my parents abused me heavily, in particular my father, and my mother was his enabler, so, you know, there’s already bad things wrong with the world. Why not close friends betraying you?
  9. And this is why I’m fucking paranoid.

*hugs Large Round Cow*