When I sleep, the nightmares have been ceaseless. When I’m awake, the hyper-vigilance and low-grade fear have been ceaseless, although they’re very much toned down by the medication from my candy man.
This makes me pretty much useless vis a vis work that isn’t putting out a fire. For some reason having to put out fires ((Metaphorically speaking.)) (or, better yet, dig fire breaks or do general fire prevention stuff) pushes the PTSD away and I can function normally during that time period.
But it has to be an actual fire, not random pages in the night or early morning.
I don’t want to analyze, even a little, what’s happening each day. It hurts and that’s really all I know. It isn’t even the week of Christmas and I’m already losing my mind.
These feelings, or more descriptively, symptoms, come and go… I thought work was a little clueless when they called these moments “flare-ups” but, well, these symptoms are acting like that even though these are “just” psychological.
There is no time when I hate my parents more than this time of year. Do you know what this morning’s repeating nightmare was? My parents dismembering Crimnee little by little, until he was just a head and they gouged his eyes out. So yeah. PTSD took away Crimnee.
Also, Yahoo is going to kill Del.icio.us, but y’all already know about that. Supposedly they won’t kill Flickr, possibly because going Flickr Pro has been necessary to use more than 100 photos on their site without using multiple accounts and yet not all that painful year-to-year, whereas Del.icio.us bookmarks are in the hundreds to thousands per user without direct payment/pro fees. And yeah, totes easier to think about the culling of Del.icio.us than my own, likely more personally important, problems, but regardless my heart goes out to my Yahoo colleagues who are getting axed.
Yeah, they’re not having good holidays either.
P.S.: I know Yahoo is having some individual professionalism issues right now, and I want to make it very clear before someone decides to do something to trigger me further: I don’t work for Yahoo. I work for a non-direct competitor of Yahoo, someone who I dearly hope will buy some Yahoo services ((Heck, maybe even poach some Yahoo folks, especially the ones who have been let go.)), but as I’m not a high enough level of employee to directly suggest this to the top brass, and I’m having issues concentrating on work anyways, I’m probably not really a threat. Please go witch-hunt elsewhere.
One thought on “PTSD Holiday 2010 Update #1”
Yeech. I’m so sorry about everything you’re going through. Best wishes.
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