So I was talking yesterday with a friend of mine about the trouble with war stories for me, and we happened upon figuring out what’s in the drawer: a figment of my father. It’s as if I carry my father in my head, with all his violent neuroses, and so the feeling of threat and needing to please the unpleaseable and placate the unplacatable persists.
It’s not real, but it still drives me. If I can just remember… but even when I remember, the fear and anxiety are still there regardless. So basically, in spite of feeling dread and terror, I have to continue to work rationally. They won’t go away just because I don’t want them there.
Yeah, totally counter to what society says (“You ought to be able to think away your emotions!”), but society is, many times, rather dumb.
Updates on stuff:
Cleaning something out. Nada. I’ve reached the senioritis stage of my unpaid leave. And have been preoccupied with Snuff.
Cooking/baking/etc. something for myself. Red miso soup! With almost the right broth-to-tofu ratio!
Reading/watching something entertaining. Snuff. It’s going to be a little difficult to review.
Reading/watching/doing something educational. Terra Nova still sucks, and also all the good writers were fired. And also an iOS 5 upgrade yesterday could have screwed over your iDevice, and at the very least it wipes contact and calendar information (so sync those to your computer at the very least).