I can’t even think of certain events this past year without feeling pain.
So, let’s focus on new things.
This was the first year I survived the holidays without blackouts or repression. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas, those holidays that usually go nuclear for me. This is huge. And granted, it’s only possible through little green pills ((And blue pills, and white pills, but the green ones made the difference.)) plus distraction, but it happened. New Year’s seems to be going down the same way, but you’ll know whether I freak out or not because it’s likely to be plastered all over my Twitter account.
Work has new meaning to me. Namely, that I don’t really worship my place of work anymore as my family. Oh, there’s still a little pride in what I do, but “I work at X” is no longer a determiner of my self-worth. Good? Bad? Awful? Time will tell, but so far it’s freeing.
Friends. The main reason why the above is true. So much change has been wrought in me because of my best friends that I never would have had otherwise; so much generosity has been shown to me over Twitter and this blog that I would not have survived some of my worst episodes otherwise. I have real support systems now, both in real life and online.
Writing. The other reason why the above is true. I can’t publish traditionally unless I leave X, because the current conflict of interest is… pretty much incredible. I’m alright with this, though; I want to experiment for a while. I participated in NaNoWriMo and turned out the first draft I’ve ever wanted to rewrite revise pretty much ever, and the first world I’ve ever wanted to play in ever. It’s the first time writing fiction has actually kept me sane.
School is never over. I’m studying up on the writing. For the first time, it’s been more than a passing fancy—mind you, my passing fancies tend to have the weight of full-blown obsession behind them. This is even more than that. You can imagine why it can start to crowd out the bad thoughts (with a little help).
And now… I must return to index-carding I Am J. Tim Pratt’s Grim Tides has also arrived in my inbox, so YAY!
2 thoughts on “Goodbye to 2011”
I’m so happy to read of these positive developments.
You’re brave to put ’em out there, and by so doing inject a little valor over on my side of the connection.
Also, your sub1 is just as much to your personal credit as if you’d started a course, or undertaken a new exercise plan, or moved to a better city for work. Drugs are part of the toolkit us tool-makers create, and they are in no way a “cheat” when it comes to mental health management.
Happy New Year
Thank you, Jesse! And Happy New Year!
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