Commit log #124

4 / 35 days. 11% done!

So I’m counting down the days of doom (when my PTSD and bipolar act up, often in concert with one another).

Three good things.

1. I think I’m getting over the shock of seeing a Christmas tree in the living room. Christmas was always a pretty bad holiday at home, what with the physical, emotional, verbal abuse and all. My father never wanted anything to go wrong, and of course, when any little thing did, he lost it. The tree’s a fiber-optic one (actually a hybrid of a normal artificial tree with some fiber optics threaded between branches) and it changes colors beautifully. I haven’t gotten around to hanging ornaments on it. It’s kind of comforting because it says, in a way, “This is my Christmas”, but at the same time it is also a reminder of Christmases past. It’s rather confusing.

2. Enjoying reading and re-reading short story collections, especially since I’m a little more coherent as my illness recedes. Tomorrow I’ll have to drag myself in to work, but that’s tomorrow.

3. Didn’t get to work on the story, due to the advent calendar eating up time and, well, Ouran High School Host Club rewatching. I’m going to have to pare that down. Anyways, I’ve kind of observed that I’m one of those clueless characters; warm but ultimately misguided, over-reactive, and not very self-reflective. Tamaki Suoh is definitely in large part like me. I can take heart in that his story ends up okay, though I’m pretty damn sure mine will end up a lonely road of frustration that I will take out on my writing.

Oh, good thing about this. I can’t really think of one except, well, I’m more aware these days of what an idiot I am. Which is probably good, except for the part where I am still an idiot. Fixing my idiocy will take a lot of work, and I slip up from time to time and it sucks a lot for me when that happens (impact on others varies from not a lot to not a whole lot). Today was a day like that.

It haunts me that my best friends in the past have all called me an idiot at one point or another and meant it and it was true. Unlike Tamaki, I have lost friends due to my idiocy and inability to learn. It makes me feel horrible and like I can’t hold onto any friends. I have mostly stopped talking to my current friends because I am afraid of opening my mouth anymore, and bam, I did it today and damn I was wrong to have done it in the way I did. Idiot.

Anyways: first step is knowing you’re an idiot. Second step is doing something about it.

Damned if I know how to do the second without fucking it up.

I feel like I don’t have a social network anymore. That is tearing me up. It’s been tearing me up for a large part of the year, and I’m falling apart. And worst part is that the lack of a social network? All my fucking fault.

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4 thoughts on “Commit log #124

  1. Mainly, yay.

    I spent most of three decades feeling like I was an idiot and needing to repay some poorly defined debt. In convo with my bartender I realized this was not my best insightful analysis. These thoughts were in fact refurbishments of the poisonous messages from my childhood.

    In the past week I managed to truly insult and hurt the feelings of a good friend. The good news is I was able to hear that this had happened; analyze the gulf between my good intention and the negative impact; apologize; and move on. I’m human; I make mistakes. My friends are also human and make mistakes. We can resolve differences without the end of the world.

  2. Stopping by – and admiring your tree.

    About the other: there is nothing that can be done online except commiserate. It requires in-person – maybe your bartender can recommend?

    Your Advent entries are lovely, candy to read when I finish writing – which has been going well, supported by up to four naps a day (like today – because I had to get a new battery and a jumpstart – and it took much energy). Actual writing trumped blogging – so I’m happy. Well, massive reorganization required to get to new software to finish the actual writing, but I’m counting it. Did a rough count – over 25,000 words about reorganizing (I’m keeping track) in the past couple weeks, and it is absolutely required to get back to the WIP.

    Glad your headache vamoosed – I had one yesterday and was wondering exactly what a migraine feels like, as I get migraine auras but I don’t think the actual headache – except maybe yesterday. The auras are fantastic – the first time it happened I was sure my brain was about to explode. Fireworks and the effect of jagged stained glass.

    • Thank you.

      It’s great that you’re writing along! *cheers, with pom-poms* And I’m glad that someone likes my advent calendar entries. I think they might be keeping me afloat.

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