Some months ago I decided that cleaning was not worth it anymore (along with a lot of other things not being worth it anymore). So the house is a mess. I used the plates and cups and utensils until they were used up and piled on all the counters, then I bought paper plates and cups and plastic utensils and ate take-out and, eventually, goat cheese with bought GF bread. I let everything else rot in the fridge. I let boxes and boxes pile up in the living room everywhere that was flat. I let games and boxes and junk pile up on and around my bed. Games piled up in the living room until I had maybe a 2’x1′ playing area, in which I attempted to play Duel of Ages II and was minorly successful, but not comfortably so. More recently I stopped reading and writing, but I did keep playing board games.
The nightmares are coming back, too.
Really, I am a horrible person. So you should just leave me to rot because I never get better, I just go in these circles of destruction and that’s really tiring to people.
Anyways, if you stayed around…
Everything changed when I visited a friend’s place and decided, for reasons, to cook a bit of a Thai curry for her (in particular, paeneng chicken). She had always cooked dinners for me when I was over there, so it was only fair that I returned the favor. We went shopping for a few ingredients (I’m glad that the Thai meal I picked didn’t have that many components that she didn’t already have) and I cooked and I’d forgotten how good that felt. The dinner turned out wonderful.
The week after that, at work it was my new team’s turn to bring about Waffle Wednesday, a small weekly work function where each team in the department prepares breakfast for everybody else. It’s easy for people to buy fruit and muffins, and to use the provided waffle irons to make waffles, but it’s another thing to buy an electric skillet and make 72 eggs worth of scrambled eggs. I even taught some of my teammates how to scramble eggs properly. Everybody liked the scrambled eggs; they came out fluffy even though I didn’t put any milk in them. Probably just aerated them really well, and the very even cooking of the skillet was awesome.
So I’ve been thinking about those experiences, and yesterday I cleaned out my kitchen instead of eating. After four runs of the dishwashers and spending time cleaning out the rotten vegetables and fruit from the fridge, I even fixed my garbage disposal by myself (nothing tricky, just went out to buy a set of key wrenches and turned the little socket in the bottom of the disposal). Unfortunately not eating anything was a dumb mistake, because I then took my nightly Lamictal and ended up so sick that not even an emergency bowl of rice (which I could now actually prepare) made me better. I spent the entire night miserable, the early morning too, and nearly threw up for what seemed like several hours.
I called in sick to work, with the idea that by afternoon I would feel well enough to work from home and call into meetings and such. After that I was well enough that I prepared a bowl of rice porridge with some chicken thighs I had seen fit to freeze in individual portions in the freezer a long time ago, along with some reconstituted dried shiitake mushrooms stored up from a long time ago. No viable garlic or ginger any more, but I did have them in powder form, and they did make everything taste good, which is the point.
I went to sleep, and just woke up from a nightmare involving my parents.
So there’s that to deal with.
Which I am dealing with, I guess, by writing about my current life and putting that nightmare in context, which is as something of a footnote rather than anything that controls my life, or at least that it shouldn’t. I still need to work on that. Unfortunately I don’t see my bartender for several weeks because work changed my schedule such that all my scheduled appointments had to be canceled. It’s hitting me very hard and I don’t know what to do because the nightmares dissipate more after talking to him.
If only I could feel like not screaming. Probably a good idea to put myself on mute for any meetings I call into today.
Anyways, I need to shower. Then after work (or something) I need to pick up some fixings for dinner for the next few days at least, because I get home so late that I either can cook something or shop for things, but not both. Tonight I can do both though.
There are routes I walk to the office, when I am at the office, to avoid meeting my old manager again. It’s awkward when we do meet, given all the things he’s said and done.
So messages from my life will start flowing again. It just helps me to write it all down.
By the way, Duel of Ages rocks, but needs a lot more table space. I know what my next project is going to be.
2 thoughts on “So How Are Things at Château AJ?”
I stopped visiting for a few days – and missed this. Sorry.
You pour your heart out – and get no response? It isn’t fair.
At least you got some of it down on ‘paper’ for reference. I find re-reading my own notes incredibly helpful. I’m switching computers and the Mac Migration Assistant failed – so I’ve had to spend time learning how, migrating things a program at a time (was looking for a cleaner new machine anyway), and my limited brainpower and energy make it slow.
On the bright side: so far everything critical I migrated first (esp. emails and my writing) is working. On the dim side (no one ever says that, do they?) I am not even close to being done, and Mountain Lion on the new Mac Pro requires patience. It hides stuff from you in its infinite wisdom that you as a consumer should not have to worry your pretty (?) little head about things.
For heaven’s sake – they hid the LIBRARY file where you put application support and preferences.
Anyway, feel free to contact whenever – I may not be much help, but I can listen really well. Or read.
Glad you got things cleaned up. Remember the empty stomach problem next time (I had to mail kid a care package to get through finals because she wouldn’t leave her room and had no food in it). In a true emergency, gummy vitamins and gummy calcium (if you have them) provide a few calories.
By coincidence, a very smart person over at Unsolicited Advice posted today about depression. She said that when you ask a depressed friend if there’s anything you can do for them, “your answer will be likely something you think is petty and probably stupid, like, “Please do the dishes for me.” Small mundane things pile up when you can’t make yourself move from the desk chair.
Depression is not feeling inadequate. It is coming to the logical conclusion that you’re inadequate, because you are always overwhelmed and you think that as a normal person, you shouldn’t be. The solution to this is that you aren’t a normal person at the moment, any more than you’re normal when you have the flu, but since you’re not getting snot all over everything it’s rather difficult to get other people to understand this. The more you try to ignore this, the worse off you are. All of the lying around unmotivated and disturbed sleeping patterns and eating behavior that depressed people do is illness behavior. It’s the exact same thing people do when they have mononucleosis — that’s glandular fever, for you Brits — except since there’s no virus or doctor’s notes involved, depression gets you yelled at a lot.”
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