I became a lil’ suicidal. Or something close to it; I never seem to completely go over the edge, but I totter pretty close to it at times.

Tomorrow I’m going to try cooking for myself again. Although the thought of bulgogi from our little Japanese restaurant is always tantalizing to me and may give me something to look forwards to.

Three good things. Even though I have a hard time coming up with this list because, well, depression and near suicidal urges.

1. I need to remember I’m not alone. I have friends and twitter folk and blog followers and… well, I don’t want to call up my psychiatrist hotline anymore at night because I’m paranoid that I’ll get an unsympathetic not-mine bartender (which happened to me in the far past) and it’ll really push me over the edge.

2. Manhunting is nice, but not up to par with relatively recent Crusie, which is to be expected for such an early work. But still nice. When I can put up with listening to it, because, well, depression.

3. I’m starting to enjoy things like eating again. But that may go away because, well, bipolar and depression on top of the bipolar, I think.

This vacation is really sucking, but I hate to think what would be happening if I were attempting to work during this time.

I just can’t deal right now. Gods know how I’ll deal when I get back to work.

Sigh, I’m close to wanting to END IT ALL again. Close, but not there. I feel ashamed that I can’t make any upper emotion stick right now. Which of course is causing a spiral.