Commit log #90

I became a lil’ suicidal. Or something close to it; I never seem to completely go over the edge, but I totter pretty close to it at times.

Tomorrow I’m going to try cooking for myself again. Although the thought of bulgogi from our little Japanese restaurant is always tantalizing to me and may give me something to look forwards to.

Three good things. Even though I have a hard time coming up with this list because, well, depression and near suicidal urges.

1. I need to remember I’m not alone. I have friends and twitter folk and blog followers and… well, I don’t want to call up my psychiatrist hotline anymore at night because I’m paranoid that I’ll get an unsympathetic not-mine bartender (which happened to me in the far past) and it’ll really push me over the edge.

2. Manhunting is nice, but not up to par with relatively recent Crusie, which is to be expected for such an early work. But still nice. When I can put up with listening to it, because, well, depression.

3. I’m starting to enjoy things like eating again. But that may go away because, well, bipolar and depression on top of the bipolar, I think.

This vacation is really sucking, but I hate to think what would be happening if I were attempting to work during this time.

I just can’t deal right now. Gods know how I’ll deal when I get back to work.

Sigh, I’m close to wanting to END IT ALL again. Close, but not there. I feel ashamed that I can’t make any upper emotion stick right now. Which of course is causing a spiral.

4 thoughts on “Commit log #90”

  1. Survived Sandy. Got power back yesterday, internet an hour ago. Thanks for the good wishes and hugs.

    It was scary – and two of our neighbor’s big trees are resting on our roof (making a mess and a whole bunch of work ahead) – but no windows broken, so the house is still secure.

    Now to deal with insurance companies – ugh!

    Looking forward to digging into your Freytag’s pyramid/triangle links.

    Will be out of country for a week if JFK is open. Glad we got internet back sooner rather than later – many people will have to wait a long time.

    Ignore news: NJ got hit as bad as or worse than NYC – and over a much wider area. Something like 80% of the state lost power. NYC gets more attention. Our wonderful governor, Chris Christie, sold off public tv and radio to PA and NY – so we get leftover public AND commercial news coverage.

    Please – don’t do anything drastic when you are in these moods. The moods LIE about how things really are. They are not trustworthy. And a combination of too-high standards and the temporary inability to fulfill them is NOT reality.

    Best on getting ready for NaNoWriMo – and don’t worry if IT gets overwhelming. It’s a CHOICE – and you are so allowed to change your mind if you want/need to. It’s supposed to be fun – for you. Not another unbearable chore. Have the fun and the excitement (I couldn’t do it – my brainpower disappears under pressure) and tell about it.

    • *hugs* I’m glad you’re safe! I hope things go well with the insurance companies. They are stingy beasts.

      Yeah, I’m trying to take things easy or something. I don’t feel so good.

  2. It’s OK to feel suicidal, but it sure ain’t fun.

    If you call the hotline and get someone who is making you feel worse — it’s completely OK to say, “This isn’t working, connect me with a different person now.” There’s distance staffing for hotlines now, so there is another person.

    I’ve stopped the spiral by going to the movies: completely outside my daily rut.

    Thinking of you (and still jealous of that cake)

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