4 / 35 days. 11% done!

So I’m counting down the days of doom (when my PTSD and bipolar act up, often in concert with one another).

Three good things.

1. I think I’m getting over the shock of seeing a Christmas tree in the living room. Christmas was always a pretty bad holiday at home, what with the physical, emotional, verbal abuse and all. My father never wanted anything to go wrong, and of course, when any little thing did, he lost it. The tree’s a fiber-optic one (actually a hybrid of a normal artificial tree with some fiber optics threaded between branches) and it changes colors beautifully. I haven’t gotten around to hanging ornaments on it. It’s kind of comforting because it says, in a way, “This is my Christmas”, but at the same time it is also a reminder of Christmases past. It’s rather confusing.

2. Enjoying reading and re-reading short story collections, especially since I’m a little more coherent as my illness recedes. Tomorrow I’ll have to drag myself in to work, but that’s tomorrow.

3. Didn’t get to work on the story, due to the advent calendar eating up time and, well, Ouran High School Host Club rewatching. I’m going to have to pare that down. Anyways, I’ve kind of observed that I’m one of those clueless characters; warm but ultimately misguided, over-reactive, and not very self-reflective. Tamaki Suoh is definitely in large part like me. I can take heart in that his story ends up okay, though I’m pretty damn sure mine will end up a lonely road of frustration that I will take out on my writing.

Oh, good thing about this. I can’t really think of one except, well, I’m more aware these days of what an idiot I am. Which is probably good, except for the part where I am still an idiot. Fixing my idiocy will take a lot of work, and I slip up from time to time and it sucks a lot for me when that happens (impact on others varies from not a lot to not a whole lot). Today was a day like that.

It haunts me that my best friends in the past have all called me an idiot at one point or another and meant it and it was true. Unlike Tamaki, I have lost friends due to my idiocy and inability to learn. It makes me feel horrible and like I can’t hold onto any friends. I have mostly stopped talking to my current friends because I am afraid of opening my mouth anymore, and bam, I did it today and damn I was wrong to have done it in the way I did. Idiot.

Anyways: first step is knowing you’re an idiot. Second step is doing something about it.

Damned if I know how to do the second without fucking it up.

I feel like I don’t have a social network anymore. That is tearing me up. It’s been tearing me up for a large part of the year, and I’m falling apart. And worst part is that the lack of a social network? All my fucking fault.