To all the people whom I’ve offended:

This is not intended to be a fauxpology.

Here is how things are with me: I’m very introverted. Just by my own nature, and how I was raised in enforced isolation by my parents, how my parents utterly betrayed my trust in them, and how I’ve been treated in the past by people I’ve trusted with a life-threatening situation. There’s even more details on this blog. There’s more details I’ve forgotten to tag properly, and even more I’m not telling y’all.

But I understand entirely that my stand-offishness at times is quite rude, breaking the implicit social contract of society online and where I live and where I work. It’s hard for me to overcome this habit and distrust, and I understand if you take offense at this. I do not blame you for my past, but my demeanor makes it seem so.

Intention has no meaning to others; they can’t see inside your head. They can only trust that you communicate with your heart on your sleeve, and even then, it’s not enough. Actions are what matter.

And through my foolishness, my stubbornness, my arrogance, I can’t yet bring myself to not be this way.

I’m sorry if my actions have hurt you. And I know this is my fault; none of the above are excuses, merely explanations. Whether I intended hurt or not, I still committed it. I deserve neither kindness nor forgiveness for how I am. I wish I could kill myself at times for being so, because I feel that’s the only adequate restitution that can ever be made for offenses I cannot help but commit. And even so, perhaps it’s never enough.

Still, I’m gormless, witless, a bitch and a thief of restful mindedness, for I will continue to blog, and tweet, despite the fact that I’m slow at forming connections with everybody, and may not even do so for most. I’ve been told my reasons for making certain connections are fueled by selfishness—a desire for comfort or fame, being clingy or being starry-eyed. And I can’t deny it; these are indeed my motivations. Even connections I make through wanting to help are merely selfishness in disguise. I am truly a disgusting ass.

I’d call myself worse, but I’m trying to train myself out of such things in general. (Although I still use the word “fuck”, so I’m a hypocrite on top of that, and a hypocrite in ways other than word usage.)

No words here are meant in sarcasm; no words here are meant to be self-defense; these words are only so that something inexplicable to you is explained. If there is comfort to be had here, I hope I’ve expressed enough so that it exists; if none is to be found, it is my fault for a lack of communication, an inability to bridge the gap, and a lack of desire to do so in large part.

You have my word that this apology will not be taken down. I don’t care if you took down yours, because apologies are not meant to be conditional. They’re meant to exist, freely given, with no demands, not even for forgiveness. To do so is to, I know, break a social contract, and I’ve done enough of that.

For anyone else: if you’re also introverted to this extent, or moreso, these words don’t necessarily apply to you. I wrote them because they apply to me.

And I must admit selfish intent: I wrote this apology and am posting it for all to see and judge because it makes me feel better.

Sincerely,
AJ