Life Before Pills

I didn’t want to write this but I have to remind myself of what life was like without the pills I currently take.

K. Argh. I am such a wimp. So many people take more than this. I just… there’s something about medication.

So, I take a very high dose of Lamictal. People get like maybe 200mg at max in general, maybe around 50mg to 150mg on average. 600mg is sort of the max for most human beings before the vertigo and fainting starts kicking in.

I take 500mg. I have actually taken 600mg, which I discovered was definitely my limit. 500mg is… um…

Well, fortunately it’s not a particularly strong medication. And with it, I don’t have the really bad manic-depressive mood swings of yore. And I mean they were mood swings. Like one minute I’d be on top of the world and ready to do any damn thing whatsoever, and the next I would be crying and depressed. Insane laughter followed by many tears followed by laughter followed by tears… all damn day long.

The Lamictal evens that out. Sometimes I miss the manic phase. I got a lot done then. But it’s probably for the best, because in the manic phase, I also do very stupid things, which is sort of anathema to getting things done….

I take some Busiprone. It’s starting out small, and I worry about it getting larger. It soothes the constant background anxiety I have due to the PTSD; I mean, for years I was on edge constantly, but I could never figure it out. It was just there, like fish don’t notice the sea and we don’t notice the air. And even after I knew, it was difficult to tell when I was sliding into the worst phases, and I forget why I feel so bad all the time. Walking on eggshells, someone close to me once called it (and it offends some of my friends that I can’t relax even around them. Well, I can’t; PTSD does that to you, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I wish I could fix it, I try so hard these days, but I couldn’t back then because I didn’t know, and then I wonder if I’m just weak and worthless).

Busiprone is something I take regularly on schedule, so I don’t have to remember (as much). And it does help a lot.

Hah, and now the Xanax. This kind of makes me sad, because sometimes the anxiety is such that I cannot take it. It may be a trigger…. well, now that I come to think of it, it’s just triggers. It’s not a panacea all of the time, though it’s supposed to be effective. A lot of times it does really help, though.

Okay, and then there’s the Ambien. Good old Ambien. I can’t sleep otherwise. I don’t know why, in particular. Maybe because I think too much.

There’s other stuff to, but mostly to do with breathing problems I have.

Gods, that’s a lot of pills every day, except for the Xanax, which is an emergency type thing.

Anyways, life was much worse before the pills. I suppose people would point at me and say SHAME, YOU MEDICATE YOURSELF ALL UP AND ARE WEAK AND DENYING THINGS.

By all the gods in the heavens, and all the demons in the hells, I do not know what to do sometimes.

Although I don’t get suicidal for some reason. Dunno why. You’d think I would, but for some reason I was always hard to kill. It must be a blessing and a curse.

Blessings… curses… reminds me of an expansion to something….

HEY! I want to play Arkham Asylum right now! Although I’m tired, and it takes hours, so bad idea. But now I want to.

(That would be the Lamictal kicking in, by the way. I think….)

Actually, blogging about tea sounds good. I wish I could scrape some more brain cells together and buy some new teas online, but I need more physical thingies now to focus on. But there are no midnight high-end tea shops. Boo.