All you who read this blog know I’m mentally ill with regards to having the bipolar and having the PTSD, neither of which play nice with me or my thinking process, and especially not together.
Have I said stupid things during this time?
Yes, I have. Really insane things at times. You would not believe it of me.
I’ve apologized afterwards, but the fact is, what I said still hurt people and was still insensitive and, in some cases, still threatening, regardless of whether or not I was “off my meds” (literally or not).
Is it my fault?
Well, pretty much, yes. The only person who can take responsibility is me, so I am taking it. If I left it to the bipolar or the PTSD it’d be a world of trouble for me and anyone who knows me.
I could blame it on my parents—honestly, I actually could. But it wouldn’t really help anybody, and wouldn’t even help me feel better.
Can I always prevent the bipolar/PTSD from making me stupid?
Of course fucking not. They’re mental illnesses, not mental attitudes. But I watch myself as closely as possible when I feel like I’m going off… and I do try things (various, different things with and without my psychologist’s help) to help mitigate any insanity I may inflict upon other people.
But in the end, I’m still responsible, and it’s up to me to apologize and take action. Claiming it’s just because of my PTSD and bipolar is nice and all, and perhaps even true at times. But in the end, people get hurt, and the best person to prevent such going-ons is me.
Even if I have to commit myself one day. It’s a day I hope never happens, but you know. If it has to happen, I hope I can decide for myself that it should happen.
In general, I find the people who are angriest about PTSD in others existing are people who think we just get free passes for our crazy. I can tell you we don’t.
Where was I? Oh yes.
Free passes are a mug’s game.