Last night seems successful. I had no nightmares. Cozy Cow and Large Round Cow were on either side of me, and the Overcow was in my arms (and still snuggled up beside me in the morning), and Ike was still on top of the wedge, as always.
Basically, what I’ve been doing is pulling up the blankets to gain as much slack as needed to lie comfortably snug on the wedge, then placing Cozy Cow and LRC on each side, on top of the blankets, sort of (but not heavily) weighing the blanket sides down. When done right, neither roll off the bed, and the Overcow stays either in my arms or is snuggled against my side in the morning.
No nightmares; but I woke up to what I shall refer to as old dread. It has, I think, nothing to do with anticipating the future, and everything to do with subconsciously remembering the past. I know in my head that there’s nothing I need to worry about on the upcoming day, you know, that day; but my reflexes are, apparently, another matter.
I’m trying to come up with something to look forwards to. Maybe a meal at one of the nice (and expensive…) restaurants on the island. I’d stay with a friend, but my one friend who could stand me near one of my PTSD trigger points can no longer do so (he’s dealing with familial problems of his own, and so we cannot be near one another, because we would set each other off). So.
Anyways, not something to worry about now. Now I get to figure out whether I’ve run out of spoons ((Here’s more information about the Spoon Theory.)) or not. It’s a very disappointing thing, but I seem to get fewer and fewer spoons per day the closer I come to one of Those Days. This year is the first time I’ve actually gotten the guts to think about and try to remember what goes on as I approach these days, rather than suddenly finding myself out of spoons in the middle o the day.
It’s difficult to plan some of this stuff. Sometimes I have to estimate two weeks ahead of time (or more) the spoon trend so that I can set up oncall rotations/covers appropriately. I work in software development, so this is not exactly a new kind of task to me, but it is one that’s easy to get wrong without more awareness (I already have experience, I just didn’t record it each time).
Fight or flight, fight or flight, fight or flight… I must remember that when this happens, the spoons start to run short, perhaps I’m even borrowing spoons against my tomorrows without noticing. I feel like I’ve spent a spoon just making an oatmeal shake for breakfast, which is very depressing.
*hugs Ike and Overcow*