Early Evening PTSD Update

I wonder if there’s anybody at work who thinks I asked for a swap so that I could enjoy the weekend.

These weekends are not enjoyable.

Right now “impending doom” is all I feel, despite trying to repeatedly show whatever part of me is feeling this that there are no monsters under the bed. I would completely fail at calming down children with night fears.

I have not drunk any tea today either, because I think caffeine just drives the screaming in my head into overdrive, although given how loud it is now, perhaps there wasn’t any point in refraining in the first place.

Currently I’m distracting myself as much as possible, because when I stop to think, I can only see my father and remember all the things I did for him on Father’s Day that were never enough to stop the abuse. I would distract myself with blogging, but on the actual day itself… it’s very hard to keep concentrating on something that requires a certain amount of mental finesse.

If only my parents were dead. But they are still young enough to find me, is the thing. It’s a very remote thing, but it’s a thing. That probably doesn’t help.

Life right now feels like a series of disconnected save point recoveries. You know. That save point in the middle of That Level that you can’t get out of because it kills you once you wander about five feet in any direction, and you keep wondering what the trick is, but you never get to find out because the next thing you know, you’re recovering from the save point again and wondering what the fuck The Developer was thinking when they put the fucking save point right here.

And of course, during this time, things are trying to kill you.

Probably not healthy to look at life in this manner. Oh well.

Advertisements