Day 19 with the Overherd

LRC on right, Cozy Cow on left (also, hir flat, rather than round, nature allows for quick exits in the nightlight-lit dark to the bathroom), both the Overcow and Ike in my arms. They remain in my arms, possibly because they’re of a sizeable snug together, and in the morning I am calm, having woken from dreams about Echo Bazaar installing new storylets based on the real-life analogues of the various locations. Which I think any Echo Bazaar fan would classify as “good” dreams.

Now, if only we could work on having a less haunted morning after waking up, life might truly be perfect. It’s the old problem: good dreams and restful sleep slam into ARGH MY PARENTS ARE COMING TO KILL ME when I wake up, pretty much without warning. I figure if one can get over that hurdle (which also brings nausea and, this morning, dry heaves for what felt like several minutes but were probably only a minute), one can get on with the rest of the day.

It’s a big improvement on my usual day-afters, whether or not I fail further PTSD checks during the rest of the day (which I’m not sure of my penalties on at the moment; it’s too much to hope for bonuses). If my commute were not 100% worse coming in and 200% worse coming home, I would consider working at the office; as it is, I don’t know how many spoons ((Link to the Spoon Theory for people who don’t know.)) I have and it would be awful to run out of them during either commuting route.

(Also complicating things: the offices are in a new place, and it feels unsafe. I feel trapped and there’s no way to get out. It’s not a feeling I’m used to at work, and I’m not sure how much it would affect my PTSD checks now.)

I’m tempted to use today as a recovery day, to do the things on the weekend I couldn’t do because PTSD ate me. (But nightmares didn’t eat me, which is the reason why I can actually function today in some useful capacity.) Or to just catch up on sleep, which I also didn’t manage to do over the weekend, due to needing Ambien to sleep even for a few hours, and you can’t take Ambien all day without doing major damage.

However, I feel bad, if not horrible, for not working, but I don’t know how much in shape I am to do that; I’m likely to be frustrated all day, which makes things worse. This is because panic rises and falls constantly right now, like waves lapping at the shore. It’ll probably continue for the rest of the day, hopefully easing off as the day progresses, but not, from my experience, necessarily so. And it kind of screws with thinking and concentration.

If I stay home, I don’t have other people around me. Of course, that has both advantages and disadvantages; either they’re going to comfort me or make me feel paranoid. Roll a d20 behind a screen and see what happens.

Or… conserve spoons so that I’m actually fully functioning tomorrow.

Hm. Decisions.

4 thoughts on “Day 19 with the Overherd

  1. Good luck with your decisions. I’m glad to hear the weekend was not as awful as such weekends usually have been for you. The Overherd are a great help. Getting more/better sleep in the week leading up probably left you in better condition to get through the actual day.

    Maybe you would want to lay in a few non-caffeine teas so you can drink them at times when you’re avoiding caffeine. Or do you not care for anything but true tea?

  2. I find I prefer black tea foremost, though green tea is starting to gain ground again (I grew up on green tea, specifically jasmine blends, so it’s a little argh). There are so many flavors of black tea….

    Herbals are quite alright, but most I associate strongly with the evening, and a lot of them I rack into similar taste profiles. And red tea is something most tea blenders don’t play well with. (I have one Earl Grey rooibos blend I trust, for instance, but several in the black tea range.)

    But it would be a good idea to expand myself even more in the area of herbals. And at the very least, get a good canister of Mighty Leaf’s Ginger Twist for work.

  3. I’ve been checking back here like every day to see how you’ve been doing and I am extremely glad to hear that you feel less horrible than you usually would.

    You have my well wishes and I’ll carry on mentioning you in my prayers to the nicer gods.

    • Thank you. I wish I sucked less in keeping on an even keel through trials and tribulations.

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