PTSD B-day #4, and My Worst Nightmare

Meals planned out for tomorrow thanks to MyNetDiary. I can’t cut things well, although I’ve regained my touch typing skills, but slow, and keyboards don’t usually slice people’s fingers off. I’m going to be eating my accursed Del Monte Fruit Naturals, which are not actually all that healthy, but fooled me well.

I need to make tons of apple sauce once my mind is sane again.

Rice cooker has made beef broth rice with steamed mushrooms (a mere spattering of white button mushrooms). Stored in Lock & Lock’s for tomorrow.

I’m falling asleep and then violently dry-heaving for 5 minutes at a stretch and what seem to be 20 minute intervals inbetween. Dunno why.

Anyways. My worst nightmare. I have a large catalog of bad nightmares. But the worst is my parents finding me.

They arrive with nostalgic gifts. The worst was finding some of these gifts installed in my own car. Which means my parents had broken in.

It’s not my father threatening to kill me—much—I can handle that. In the dreams where he does strangle me, I can handle that… I go insane the next day but I can handle that.

But I had never thought about what I would do if my mother showed up. Despite her participation as an enabler, and her final and utltimate betrayal by hurting me physically, I would be required to deal with her… in bad ways. My father I wouldn’t hesitsteate. But my mtother….

And at that point life goes in one of two ways: I get killed, or my parents stalk me and stalk me and stalk me. They’ll start to stalk my neighbors, start to stalk my work site, stalk stalk stalk stalk. And someone will betray me. And I’ll have nowhere to go. I will go insane. I will go insane.

It probably would happen arund ab irtday .

Please. polease healppp.

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2 thoughts on “PTSD B-day #4, and My Worst Nightmare

  1. I’m falling asleep and then violently dry-heaving for 5 minutes at a stretch and what seem to be 20 minute intervals inbetween. Dunno why.

    Sounds to me like your body is trying to reject the badness.

    You’ve done really well applying your spoons to taking care of yourself.

  2. I try. These days, anyways, when I’ve accepted what I can’t control, and can thus make plans while I am. It’s a little weird. Like one should be able to control oneself if one knew ahead of time, but that’s not possible. Sometimes there are alternatives… it takes a while to find them, if they’re there.

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