PTSD B-Day #10

I think the spells of nausea (especially the big one during the early hours of the 28th, what a surprise, not) are gone now. I’ve had some oatmeal and not felt especially nauseous.

Some fine motor detail is still kinda lacking; I need a sharp knife to cut butter pats of appropriate amount for the baking (which I always do in precise amounts), and I’m a little too shaky for that. I haven’t handled a non-butter knife during recovery since a couple months into the Years of Zorn and Tharn, when I didn’t know that what I called waking nightmares were really PTSD episodes. I didn’t hurt anybody, I just sliced the tippy-tip-tip of my finger off. (It grew back, amazingly, but I suspect my fingerprint is no longer the same.) So, no bread. Yet.

Typing is back, though not at full speed, it’s also not disappearing on me much.

I tried making a shake (“Better than Milk” soy milk, although I think I’m sticking to almond milk in the future), but my fingers being what they are, splat.

I can walk for the most part without depending on guidance from the walls.

The acute memory of pain is gone. I don’t even know how the hell to explain that, and am rather afraid of the idea that even if I never have flashbacks again, they will never stop coming back.

I think I’ve stopped getting startled by sunlight and shadows, or at least, as much. Enough to keep control of a car, so I might buy some food later today, if I’m not still resting.

Nightmares have receded. My dreams aren’t exactly fluffy clouds and ice cream sundaes, but neither are they bad: they’re just very boring.

Boring is excellent.

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2 thoughts on “PTSD B-Day #10

  1. “…even if I never have flashbacks again, they will never stop coming back.”
    I’m confused. If you never have flashbacks again, what will still come back?

    “Boring is excellent.” You and Rincewind should form a club.

  2. The memory of physical pain is what I’m afraid will keep coming back even if there are no more flashbacks of the more typical visual/auditory/strangling/emotional sense. Pain is itself a flashback, though, so….

    Well, I would definitely hang out with him, if only that trunk didn’t follow him around so much.

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