I was oncall last night, so while I did get the drugs to rein in the bipolar, I did not get the drugs to rein in the paranoia. I spent a lot of the early morning awake and scared, and I couldn’t stop being sick (although I didn’t throw up). I tried to sleep, and maybe it worked, but the nightmares were constant. If my brain could stop dreaming the dreams about never having left my parents, I would be pleased.
I woke up in the morning with a headache (because I was scared to turn out the light) and was too tired to scream. I feel dizzy and still a bit sick. Not surprising.
Being an adult dictates that I should at least shower and then do something about work but I have lost so much nerve that I feel like I’m right back where I started at the end of July.
It’s like 10:30am and I don’t know exactly how to prioritize anything, but shower, I guess.
I feel like a very lousy person to fall apart.