I should never have boasted last night.
Well. I don’t know, actually. It’s that season again, and I fell asleep so quickly after working all night, plus all my medication, plus the Ambien, that I forgot to snuggle the Overherd close. And I did say that I would be awesome or fighting monsters, so I did leave room for being the exact opposite of awesome.
I don’t really know what to say about the dream, except that it involved my father making all the same mistakes (as he viewed them) just before he exploded and started the usual holiday “you’re not doing it right, so I must strangle you now,” and the death threats, and the torture, etc. Also they were in my house, and this was all happening in my living room. So my PTSD managed to turn my recent exploration of staying downstairs against me.
We didn’t get to the actual abuse; we were well on the road to it. You could say that it’s really the journey. And the destination.
I can’t help but think about the person who said that PTSD-suffering characters/people are too weak to serve as protagonists and heroes, that they are broken because of their own faults, and that PTSD is not a normal human reaction but the reaction of a weak human being (also it’s totally not their fault they’re weak! They just are!).
I know that’s not true, but it damaged me anyways. Words have power.
And now I don’t know what to do.
I’m sorry, y’all. Sometimes I lose. Often I lose. I like to think I’m strong but perhaps it was all just an illusion. I can’t think.
Spontaneous ∂erivation 
Totally not true. “PTSD is not a normal human reaction” is one of those No True Scotsman statements, which, if tested, would lead to the conclusion that the human race contained 0% True Scotsmen.
Or maybe a subtext approach would help: People who say that kind of thing are really trying to assert, “That would never happen to me! I’m stronger than you.” They are wrong. But the desire to believe themselves safe is what fuels the fervor of their insistence.
Try a lolcat? It’s warm and fuzzy!
When in doubt, hold on to your cows.
“It would never happen to me” does often seem to be a strong motivating point.
Also, that’s one of the best LOLcats I’ve seen in quite some time. And I’ve always got my cows. ^.^
Strong people lose sometimes too! Look at poor Frodo – he won Middle Earth but not for himself. While the venal and the mundane went on their merry way ignoring the whole thing.
I hope the cows stay by you tonight.
The herd of cows (well, a herd. I have no idea if I’m always seeing the same cows each time) was on the path where I take my walk yesterday. There were skinny egrets landing on their backs. I laughed in the sunshine and walked home feeling content. I wish I could give you some of that peace that they give me.
Rosa,
Indeed, I even wrote about Frodo’s PTSD! Poor, poor hobbit.
The cows are with me every night if I would just remember to let them. It’s pretty natural by now. *hugs*
sylvia,
*hugs*