Where I’ve Been

She’s a warp drive
She’s an Enterprise
They say she’s dead, Jim
But she’s still alive
— “Warp Core on the Dance Floor”, Warp 11

This update is divided into sections, conveniently linked:


PTSD bit

I know the last week has been quite for me, on both the blog and the Twitter front. I’ve been throwing myself into my work. Partly because I miss being functional, partly because I’m trying to prove to others and myself that I am. Although I’m well aware that I’ll never get into a position of much authority for some years, if ever; stability is needed for leading. I’m making a strong show now, but who knows what’s going to happen as the year progresses?

I have small breakdowns from time to time. Fortunately I have understanding friends now, so there’s a support network. And also they won’t let me avoid the things that possibly trigger me, like cooking in the kitchen; this is actually a good thing. Probably. Distracting myself and avoiding stuff just leads to more triggers, whereas standing my ground will… eventually… yield results.

Although it occurs to me that I should make sure I’m not using work as a distraction either I don’t need to start having allergic reactions to that.

Bento bit

I haven’t taken pictures of my bentos because I’m on a total salad jag and they need voluminous containers. But I did find an awesome Lock & Lock salad lunch set. I’m probably going to buy the sandwich version, because I’m starting to make spring rolls after years of avoiding it.

PTSD bit #2

As a side note, why I have bad reaction at times to the kitchen: my father liked using “You didn’t make my food good enough” as an excuse to abuse, it was easy to trap me there, and there were various implements handy for threatening and occasional torture. So you can see why it gives me trouble. I didn’t make salads for years because it was his prime excuse for what he did.

Spring roll avoidance was for similar reasons, but more subtle: being asked to make them was a sign of a relative peace that would unpredictably end soon for other reasons. In many ways, the quiet times were almost as bad as the rather more exciting times: I knew that in hours, days, or even minutes that everything could be upended into chaos again.


Dreams aren’t exactly nightmares, but pervasive all the same. What I obsess over, from work to Triple Town, show up. I figure I need a way to obsess intensely over cows so they can show up more often and lead me out of whatever is happening. Games would be ideal, but there are so few designer games built around cows that I actually like… such as, none. Perhaps I’ll mod a game to this end.

So that’s where we are. I need to find a better balance between work and dealing with life outside of work. And somehow get the cows into my dreams. ((Do not suggest lucid dreaming. I’ve tried for years and I will skewer the first bastard who demands that I try harder or says I’m simply not trying hard enough.))

Lonely Gamer bit

Summoner Wars is a damn good game. It’s relatively quick to set up, and surprisingly addictive, especially once you add in the extra two faction expansions (soon to become four). Each faction has its own feel to it, and some aspects remind me of Heroscape, while being quite a different game. Between two players of equal ability, any luck balances out in a close duel to the death.

I need to start playing my various little two-player war games more often in general, including Command & Colors Ancients, Pocket Battles, and Warangel. ((Why yes, I do indeed have most of the Warangel armies that are primarily and/or feature female warriors. It’s just nice to have a balance of both genders on a fantasy battlefield. It is fantasy.)) I also miss a good adventuring game for Arkham Horror ((Doesn’t quite fit in with the others, perhaps. But still: you hunt down monsters, try to achieve goals, get pulled into other dimensions, and equip stuff. It is a kind of adventure game.)), Runebound, and Return of the Heroes (I may even incorporate all the expansions some day, although this will lead to some serious amount of chaos).

Kinde love bit, Kindlelicious, tying in a little about PTSD

Gods, Triple Town is addictive. I temporarily stopped reading due to being swallowed by PTSD during the holidays—as it turns out, I can’t concentrate enough to read after a certain tipping point—but I’m picking it all up again.

I tend to like animal stories like The Book of the Named, a series about how prehistoric cats might have set up their own civilization. This one is especially dear to me, because one of the main characters in the third book and through the rest of the series suffers from PTSD, and isn’t magically healed. In fact, her mental disorder is treated fairly realistically, including gradual healing that isn’t finished yet, several books later. I may talk more about this yet and expand on the PTSD in Fiction series of posts on my lil’ site.

Also, I’m doing my best to pick up the In Death series, which is a rather surprising mystery-science-fiction-romance mix, with an emphasis on the police procedural style of mystery and definitely on romance. Romances of any stripe are difficult for me to read, due to my general allergy to love, which isn’t all that surprising, given my history. Also, Eve isn’t the most mentally well-off of characters, and suffers from trauma that isn’t PTSD… probably… but is still quite major. She also isn’t magically healed. So off I go to read through the many, many books in this series.

I really need to start the Sherlock Holmes Redux series.