I don’t even know any more.
I thought I was doing fine this weekend… and I was, except I was starting to break down a bit over Sunday evening, I thought it was another reason…
… instead, apparently the reason is that I never can get over what my parents did to me, and Mother’s Day was an excuse for them to visit back in college. Father had this thing… basically, it was kinda like, roll a d6, on a roll of 5 or less he will have a conniption over the fact that one loved one’s mother more than him (well, YEAH, she never pinned me against the wall and threatened to set my face on fire with a lighter turned on right next to my cheek and crap like that).
His conniptions tended to be violent. Roll a d6; on the table you get something like
|1-3||Verbal abuse, glares, emotional abuse in public.|
|4-5||“Mild” physical abuse in public.|
|6||Abuse of all kinds in your dorm room you will never be safe anywhere|
So yeah. You can kinda see. Where I have like. Issues and stuff with holidays. Because my parents would visit. And yeah.
Mind you, my mother was no bed of roses either. She was, after all, the one who dragged me back to the apartment after my father had beaten me against the wall and of course I would @#$@ing try to escape. She was the one who told me to, basically, suck it up because my father loved me and he was just going through a terrible time. She told me that when he raped her, it was because he just needed sex, and that was totally OK. She let him look at me in the shower and watch me in the bedroom.
Gods. Gods. Gods in all the heavens, the earth, and the hells; I wish sometimes… I don’t know. The Abilify is keeping me from wishing the worst, but I’m exhibiting all the symptoms I associate with failing my PTSD check and rolling a d4 with a resulting value of 2. A 1 would have let me work, if shaken; a 4 would have resulted in a full flashback.
I don’t know if I can work later today, I don’t know if I can even drive, gods know I can’t get down stairs without crawling on my hands and feet. I don’t know why this happens.
Well, okay, I do know why it happens. I’m just in denial all the time about it, even when it’s happening.
Time for almond butter and almond crackers and maybe chocolate almond milk. ((I can’t eat dairy or gluten/wheat, so finding comfort food is “fun”….))
3 thoughts on “You’re gonna have PTSD; roll a d6”
Some of my non-dairy/GF comfort foods: Spread the almond butter on a thinly sliced apple (nice combo of sticky & sluicy). Or between a pair of SAN-J black rice sesame crackers (I think of it as a vegan Savannah Girl Scout cookie). Steam/nuke sweet potato (or squash), stir with enough coconut milk for liquidity (add in some ginger/nutmeg).
Thinking of you.
In denial — except when you are writing these entries.
This year I finally realized that yes, Mother’s Day is a trigger for a nexus for my bad memories. Last year was when I finally said, okay, as of today, our relationship is over. Has been for a long time, but enough.
Which I am understanding now because of how you are writing about the subject here. Thank you. I find particular locations triggery, besides the particular times that make these milage markers through the year.
I thought the shower thing was great news. Do you find there some smells that are better for you than others?
*hugs* I’m glad I can help.
I’m still experimenting, but it seems that almost anything helps.
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