Yesterday was… bit of a mess actually. I still had loose ends to tie up at work, so I did that for half the day. Something got a bit stuck—an integration test failed on my new feature where it shouldn’t have, but it’s not in use yet and thus the test is commented out to be figured out when I return. I’m almost certain what the error is, but it’s of the minor Heisenbug variety so shouldn’t be underestimated.

And now I have to not think about that. Good, because I have a lot to think about and to attempt to do.

Because yesterday was shortened and also chased by feelings of terror, kind of like how today is starting off, PB&J was a bit lacking. Not something I’m feeling bad about, the terror is occupying my mind like a horrible haze that has no source to even begin thinking of squelching.

Yesterday’s PB&J, at any rate, so that my naturally repressive mind doesn’t lose all records:

• Cleaning something out. Didn’t get to it because of the job, and also because of the dark. My theory on the dark is that it’s two-fold: my bipolar acts up as day fades into night, which is when the larger epicycle of my cycles turns into depression; and my PTSD remembers subconscious memories of my father’s own bipolar/PTSD acting up at night, and thus the nights terrify me. War has a lot to answer for, I think.

• Cooking/baking/etc. something for myself. With some prompting from my closest friends, I managed to make stir-fry with chicken in it. I had hitherto stuck to thawed cooked shrimp for the protein in my stir-fries, sometimes alternating with TVP. This is because my worst memories are tied up with meals with my abusive father, and chicken stir-fries were a common appearance. Combined with my bipolar cycle frenzying into depression at night, and the combination is a bit soul-crushing. I would never have managed it without my friends’ help.

• Reading/watching something entertaining. A few things:

  • Crystal Rain by Tobias Buckell. Good old blowing-things-up yet thoughtful SF; and although it starts slowly, it really speeds up towards the end into something quite enjoyable. However, one thing disappoints me terribly (spoilers): John’s disability is so easily resolved at the end that it’s disappointing. It took away something special from the character. I wouldn’t appreciate it if a character suffering from bipolar/PTSD was happily fixed by future tech or fantasy magic, and I doubt people with disabilities would appreciate this turn of events either. Does this spoil everything? No, but it’s still disappointing in an otherwise excellent book. Future books do not have this problem either.

  • Attack of the Chickens: Terra Nova‘s “Instinct”. A tweet from @tobiasbuckell, incidentally, and a nice pulling-apart of Terra Nova‘s inspiredly insipid second episode.

  • Mark Reads American Gods: Chapter 10. I love it when Mark Reads stuff. (Or when Mark Watches stuff). He’s my inspiration for my ongoing series Sherlock Holmes Redux. He’s doing a great job with Neil Gaiman’s American Gods. Mark is my hero.

  • Pinboard.in vs Del.icio.us. Signed up for Pinboard.in and imported my bookmarks from Diigo as a result.

• Reading/watching/doing something educational. And I think reading for analysis The Sign of Four: Chapter 10 counts. There should be a Redux later today in the evening, assuming the darkness doesn’t eat me.