Three good things. Somehow. I continue to break, and it continues to be my fault, and I don’t know that I care anymore. I thought about not doing this log, but it would be a shame to break the habit, and habit it’s become.
1. It didn’t rain very much. Of late that’s been good weather. Way too much rain here for even this time of year.
2. I bought more ornaments for the Christmas tree. They’re cheap, plastic things that only mimic glass ornaments. Much better than breaking glass ornaments though. The tree looks a lot more filled out, and I like looking at it now. I think. There’s also a pretty metal filigree star topping the tree now.
3. I found out something about the relationship between my main character and his first mentor that I hadn’t thought about, even though now it’s obvious when I think more about it. I have an idea for a good (hopefully) character arc from that.
I did a bad thing that I didn’t know was bad, and it weighs on my mind. This is here as a reminder that I don’t think about others in a way that reflects them instead of me, and I should change that. But I’ve done it innumerable times, and this time I did it in quick succession even though it was a lesson I should have learned the first time. I really am a worthless human being.
Tomorrow I go to work. I’m going to take some mandarin oranges to eat because that’s all I have in the larder, and it’s pretty certain that my manager will show up with pizza that I can’t eat. At least I have a car so that I can drive somewhere for lunch in case none of the local eateries are open. Hit Uwajimaya for some salmon rice balls.
2 thoughts on “Commit log #128”
“I really am a worthless human being.”
Nope. Doesn’t work that way.
Possibly you did something dumb – or bad. It happens. You didn’t even know it was bad.
Did you deliberately do something evil to another human being, especially one who didn’t deserve it? Then, yeah – cut it out.
But something you “should have known” and didn’t – nope. Ask your bartender.
I have a string of ’em in the background. Where possible, make amends.
Otherwise – and always – learn from the experience. Maybe you can figure out how not to do it next time.
Worth is the sum of EVERYTHING you do, if you really want to determine it. You do lots and lots of positive and useful things (NaNo, work, bento, reading, sharing your journey…). You are trying very hard to deal with bad stuff that happened to you.
None of that makes you worthless. When I think of the years of training I had, at government expense (grad school funded by Dept. of Energy research grants), and how I produce exactly nothing due to being ill, I feel worthless – for a while. Then I get over it: I contributed nothing (except maybe working too hard) to the getting-ill part. I still do everything useful for my family that I can, and I try to write.
It’s what I CAN do, so I do it. Today I cheered up the other people at the support group meeting who are doing worse than I am, and sang in church. Got some writing in the morning. Am learning not to waste vast amounts of time on the internet. Dug into figuring out Scrivener. Didn’t kick any puppies. Played with the chinchilla. None of it earthshattering.
I like the sound of your tree. Sorry I’m meandering – long day.
I am impressed. Thank you for all of that. I have been thinking on them for the past few days.
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