Commit log #129

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t have intimate friends I can share the bad things with anymore because I can’t change fast enough to get to the point where I do not repeat the same things year after year after year….

Not having friends anymore. You know, after escaping from my parents, I put my worth in the safe-keeping of other people, because the gods only know I have none of my own. That is a huge problem; it puts too much on their shoulders, and too little on my own.

This lack of friends is self-inflicted, by the way. No one to blame but myself. Isn’t that the way of it?

But in the end, what have I got to give to other people? I take things from them. And return to them nothing useful. And I don’t change quickly enough. I play the fool too often. I’m dense and self-centered. I don’t deserve friends the way I am now.

A hilarious catch-22. I don’t have friends because I don’t deserve them; and yet if I don’t have friends the suicidal feelings creep over me. I’ll be dead, I suspect, before I ever have friends again.

Some can say, well, I’m an extrovert, I should make friends easily enough. No. Not the ones that matter the most to me. The ones that keep me going.

The irony of the situation is that so much of this is that I am the villain in my own tale; the needy psychic vampire that drains people’s patience.

All vampires should drive a fucking stake through their heart.

I haven’t functioned well enough to work for the last two days. I don’t know if I can function tomorrow. It’s hilarious because there is a deadline going on a project that was given 2 weeks to finish, and my non-success will result in firing. I’m well on my way to destroying my life: destroying career, in progress. Destroyed social life, done. Once I destroy the rest of my life, there is nothing left and I will be free.

The bartender, who has been my lifeline (how will that work at work? Hi, I’m still kind of suicidal and no there aren’t any private offices to take calls in, let’s get down to business because I don’t care anymore) wants me to make new friends locally. Well fuck that. I don’t want any more disasters. I am poison.

Three good things? Don’t make me fucking laugh.

1. marvel legendary came and is fun. I wish they put at least one woman on the front of the box, but no.

2. Ouran High School Host Club manga, all volumes, came in a box.
3. Please don’t send gifts or cards. I’m going to destroy my life properly and that would only get in the way and I do not appreciate that.

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2 thoughts on “Commit log #129

  1. I think you are changing quickly, considering the depth of injury you suffered. Since you got the Abilify you’ve been more aware of the here and now and more able to begin processing the trauma. Give yourself credit for the things that have changed.

    It sounds like you’re in a crisis now because things have been changing. Your life was stable for a while, and then you started moving toward processing the trauma and getting enough sleep and such, and it means the patterns that used to keep going, like working in your old department, aren’t there any more. This is legitimately hard and draining.

    As for the ‘can’t change fast enough’ part? I have been trying to improve my life for several years now. I have thought “this is my last remaining chance to [x] and after that it will be Too Late” so many times now. I am a veteran of missing deadlines and blowing chances.

    I’m still here. I’m doing okay. I can see better, now, why the plans I made before had no chance of working. I can see how many, many, tiny steps are needed to carry out plans that might work better. I’ve learned that last chances seldom are and there’s usually some way to survive, even if it wasn’t my preference.

    When in doubt, it’s a generally a good idea to cover the mechanical basics — eat, shower, sleep, empty wastebasket, put away clothes. That clears the decks for action. Anything else is bonus points.

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