Commit log #137

I saw the bartender today. We talked about a few things, such as my breakdown on New Year’s Eve, and my current extreme loneliness and need for frequent hugs.

We talked about how anger was a more appropriate feeling for the stage in life I’m currently at; that it’s better than being taken by the fear (common as that is for people who’ve been through traumatic experiences). At this point I started crying and saying that I didn’t want to be angry, because that would focus the memories, and I didn’t want that.

And my bartender pointed out that I would be remembering the memories anyways. That I couldn’t simply forget them, any more than a war victim can put aside what s/he experienced. So I might as well be angry, and possibly channel my anger into something constructive.

As for the loneliness and need for hugs, the bartender wants me to expand on my social network and also to forge in-person relationships. I don’t know how to do this, really, in a world that involves occupations instead of scholarship. It’s easy enough to make friends with classmates (well, relatively easier), but you get into dangerous territory when it comes to coworkers. Conflict of interest if things go poorly, for one thing. And human relationships often do go badly, even if it’s only for a little while.

I have thought about how to channel my fear and possibly anger. I will channel it into my writing—not directly, not writing angry stories or whatnot, but to use that energy to power my writing efforts. I’m not entirely sure how to do this either—it’s like alchemy, turning crap into gold through some mysterious process. Anyways, once I feel more comfortable with what I have, I can move on to creating a tumblr and posting the work there.

Anyone want to beta-read? It’s a fantasy about a disabled seal-turned-transman (extending upon Inuit mythology, not the selkies per se, though there is a relationship there I may explore in the future) and his adventures. I have chapter 1, tweaked quite a bit and mostly final, though when it’s put onto tumblr it’ll be broken up into smaller pieces. Chapter 2 is going to take some reworking, but I have the basics of what I want there in a previous draft. (I have some 16 drafts of all this, taking drastic changes in plot here and there. I should be able to manufacture a complete story out of them, somehow.)

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