Well. That didn’t go well.
The GM found a way to get at me after all. I became retching sick around midnight and it didn’t stop for three hours.
Well. It kind of stopped because I got too sleepy for it to go on, and made my sleeping throw like I was never able to under insomnia. But it’s the type of situation your GM puts you in where you don’t want a critical success, because everything has gone upside-down on you.
I was so scared I’d throw up again (because it seemed like I couldn’t stop for very long) that I did not sleep with the Overherd except for the Overcow, and the puke bucket was nearby.
The rest of the morning wasn’t exactly plagued by nightmares; I simply dreamed about work in the old office, but crushed as per usual by the invasive, pervasive fear and terror that my PTSD puts me in whenever, apparently, it likes.
I woke up a litle while ago, bringing the PTSD back with me. I’m too tired and too sick to go into work safely, and I want so so much to, because work is where sanity lies. I can’t get up for very long, which is not terribly surprising, so I’m left in bed still sick. As for my state of mind, it’s like a giant hand came and crushed me, and everything I managed to do over the week has been for naught.
Nothing is comforting right now, and in an awful way, I feel like I don’t deserve comfort. Plus I’m still sick and mentally crushed and my friend is sick in the hospital (goddamn the GM, that’s not fair in any sense, even if I didn’t need my friend) and damn I’m worried and argh.
Anyways. I’m very sorry about all this and wish I were doing better. But yes, my PTSD has a tendency to adapt.
And yeah. I’m oncall and worried I won’t be able to handle it with all my stats knocked over. And I don’t know if anyone will take my oncall so near the weekend and without my manager around….