Recounting stuff that happened today-ish (by which I mean Friday, July 2nd), accomplishments, and to-dos.
Well, I knew it was going to be bad. I was in denial about how bad it would be. This rarely helps, but on the other hand, it does isolate out the possible variable of “self-determined destiny” that PTSD-sufferers are sometimes accused of (often by our own selves…).
So, accomplishment, made some days back: arrange for someone to swap my oncall this weekend. And, it turns out, Friday. This was good, because I went down hard on Friday.
What happened: psycho-somatic illness. I can be very sensitive to stress, and PTSD is made out of stress and then some. I can’t always completely define the stress—it seems to be made out of a low-level subconscious terror that surfaces invasively into my consciousness. I’m often in denial about how sensitive I can be, despite this being pointed out by multiple friends and acquaintances over the years.
I almost always forget that psycho-somatic illness, like extreme nausea and loss of balance and thinking, happens during the holidays my PTSD triggers. I forget to the point where I will not check the box in the pre-psych appointment sheet that says, “Move so slowly that other people notice.” My coworkers and boss were noticing plenty on Wednesday and Thursday, before the big breakdown much later that evening. It’s weird to write down these observations and try not to be in denial and actually be observant.
(One of the reasons I have a difficult time working on the mystery story that has been rewritten repeatedly is that denial is the ignorance of observation, and it’s hard to write about observation when you yourself try not to do it on a regular basis. I think denial went into overdrive after the ultimate betrayal by my parents, which is not surprising, and severely affected my ability to work as well as I used to. Plus, you know, I was distracted by other fallout.)
Anyways: I took serious hits to all my stats and have been nauseous all day, as if I were stressed out badly (duh…). I’m better at walking right now, sort of, as long as I do it slowly and easily. I’ve not been reduced to crawling, but only because I wasn’t able to leave my bed for most of the day, which is a little bit worse.
Accomplishment, however: I managed to hang on through Thursday and even go to work. Usually this takes me down at least the Thursday before the triggering holiday.
To-do: Try to take it easy on the eating. I’m ravenous but not physically; more mentally. I wish I could enjoy barbecue, for instance, but I will almost certainly throw up after eating it, because not only is the holiday a trigger day, barbecue is a trigger food. It’s a kind of torture when my neighbors have big bbq parties… dammit, I miss seared meat.
To-do: Try to re-establish and keep up with routine. I know I won’t succeed completely at this, but I should try. Routine is the second thing to go out the window when the PTSD crashes me (the first being my health and sanity). And these days, routine includes the bed wedge and the Overherd (it got so bad that early morning Friday that I was too sick to lie on my wedge. It makes no sense, somehow, but there it is; and of course, this alongside the temporary suspension of the Overherd resulted in nightmares).
To-do: With respect to the Overherd, the chair will not be in place for the night. Large Round Cow makes me feel safer when she’s on the door side of the bed, but she needs the chair to stay on the bed. The chair blocks the puke bucket. So it’ll be Cozy Cow in hir pillow form (and since Cozy Cow is also meant for young children, ze should be pretty cleanable).
To-do: Take everything one hour at a time. I’m not able to deal with days at a time. Probably I should try to keep track of spoons.
To-do: It is OK if I can’t deal with all my blogs right now. I want to keep updating S∂ (notes will be valuable), keep updating The Many Emotions of Sherlock Holmes and The Adventures of John H. Watson because they’re all I can handle. The tea blog will just have to sit quiet for a while, because I can’t settle my mind on it right now.
I’m starting to get taken away by the nausea again. Thank you for your well-wishes.