I don’t want to talk about the bad parts of today, but they have to be talked about. I was bad off, my anxiety was somewhere in orbit, and the memories were particularly bad, though not intrusive as in the past.
And, with the help of Twitter and friends, I’ve been able to hold up over the weekend without draining my little bottle of Xanax. Much. It’s got a dent in it, but I didn’t take 10 of them over the course of two days (more like three).
I also did the following:
I went out in the sun.
I stayed around people.
When I needed alone time, I found somewhere to be alone.
I scribbled away in my new Moleskines during my alone times. I don’t know why this is important, or even if it is important, but it made me feel better.
I stayed connected to Twitter.
I watched a big, stupid summer blockbuster movie.
#1-3 are pretty solid items to do.
#4 is a little… weird. It’s faster than typing on an iPhone, and slower than typing on my Transformer’s keyboard or my laptop’s. I write in block letters, cursive was always unreadable for me, and I need these notes readable. It’s… soothing, somehow. What’s probably best is that I associate writing in my Moleskines with this relatively nice day.
And yes, I’m using my Moleskines for figuring out fiction. The second scene in Seal Tales is giving me a headache, which is embarrassing but what can I do, it sets up a hell of a lot and involves two complicated characters. Scribbling down all of the little things that need to be done during the scene has been incredibly helpful.
#5 is something that some would consider unhealthy, but I’m starting to think I need. Not in a craving sense—just that it’s easy for me to get disconnected, or at least to feel disconnected. Even when I’m with other people, I still need to interact with people I know.
#6 took my mind off of bad memories for … three hours? Something like that? Yes, The Avengers is problematic in a few regards (see Cleolinda’s post, to which I would add one other sour note that I’m not going to talk about because I don’t want to talk about it), but it was still a fun movie whose noise and action did not leave me any time to think about anything else. It’s not my type of movie, but then again, it was better than if I’d seen Dark Shadows, which apparently would have left me with plenty of time to contemplate my parents.
Ah yes, my parents. To whom I do not owe anything. I figure if anyone wants to bring up the idea of child-rearing as putting children in debt, I think I can safely say that the years of terror, beatings, and strangling (even though it only happened once, when I was maybe ten)—oh yes, and some episodes involving BOILING WATER—well. I’ve paid that debt off and then some.
Of course, it’s one thing to say that, and another thing for the paranoia to let go during these times.
I know, from the past, that the woods haven’t come to an end yet. I sometimes suffer a weird relapse a few days after the “landmark” date. I don’t know why that is, you’d think it was over, but maybe that’s when I let go or something.
Anyhoo, I hope that I dream about the Moovengers. Rather than the possible other kind of dream. Which would break me for the rest of the day.
Yeah, so, let’s see what happens next. Maybe I should blog every day for a while.