Commit log #130

Hi there, it’s me. I’m still alive.

My boss told me something that haunts me: he advised me to allow myself to sink so low that I would “put a gun in [my] mouth” and then, because committing suicide is such an unthinkable act, I would naturally feel better because there’d be nowhere to go but up.

I didn’t want to tell him that, if I let myself get to that point, I would commit suicide. I suspect I would get fired on grounds of mental instability. On the other hand, his comment was entirely inappropriate. I wish he wouldn’t make those kinds of comments. It’s bad enough that he thinks my disorder is comparable to “feeling a little bit bad” and fixable by eating chocolate (which I know has anti-depressive effects, but it doesn’t fix my depression at least).

There’s a perverse thought in my head: that, to prove him and his horrible, awful comments wrong, I should commit suicide. Ridiculous, but I hate living under a constant barrage of comments at work that belittle my disorder and the difficulty I have living with it. My previous bosses, if they didn’t believe in my disorder, at least had the decency to keep such comments to themselves.

I gotta admit, I’m angry at having to play life on a difficulty setting that I just can’t deal with some of the time. That there is such insensitivity in the world (and being subjected to it at work overtly now) to that kind of plight.

Oh well. Can’t be helped unless I quit or exit this life.

Anyways. I’m having fun with Marvel Legendary, which is Yet Another Deck-Building Game, but with enough of a different flair from Dominion that it’s quite refreshing for a change.

But the most important thing in my life, that has made me smile, snort, and laugh in spite of myself, is Ouran High School Host Club. I guess that kind of fiction just has that effect on me: humorous with depth to the characters. The series (of which I’ve watched both the anime and now have read the manga) reminds me, in a sense, of Terry Pratchett. It’s a wonderful and unique romantic comedy that destroys society’s standard gender roles. The main character’s father, for instance, is a bisexual cross-dresser and loving father, instead of being made into some kind of camp villain as other stories would have it.

And how do I explain this about the main character… the main character, Haruhi, has to cross-dress for plot reasons, but it’s not played for laughs. She isn’t disrespected for the act, succeeds pretty well at it, and humor comes from other areas of the plot and the hilarious nature of other characters—she really is the straight man, so to speak.

Ouran is a unique romantic comedy and I quite love it. It’s not perfect, though—consider how the Lobelia (anime) and Roberia (manga) school is treated, with strawman feminists. Although I quite like that the cross-dresser of that trio is treated as not only respected, but with her own fan base and being the head of her club. And there are feminists who would consider that sort of thing as a betrayal of gender identity; I’m glad that this story has characters that don’t do that sort of thing.

Ah yes. Betrayal of gender identity. You know, for the longest time I was mad at people screwing up my gender, despite presenting an ambiguous face of gender online. I just realized how much of that was, well, being convinced that I should be mad only because I was born a woman. I wonder how much of a betrayal to my gender (if it is my gender) that I think of myself in my head as being mostly male. That maybe it’s some sort of Stockholm Syndrome in our patriarchal society, or some psychological complex that my father left in me by wanting me to be a boy and more or less constantly punishing me for not having been born one.

But lately I have become more convinced that, were I truly identifying as female, I would have identified as that no matter what my circumstances. Instead I identify as male (but still bisexual). Strangely, I still wear skirts, but only because it makes the bathroom a trivial, quick affair. Definitely hate my breasts though, and am thinking of binding. I don’t want surgery personally though. I guess even though I identify as male I still don’t fit very neatly into gender roles… but why should I?

Anyways, anyways, anyways… well, I can’t really come up with three good things because I’ve already covered two of them, one in some detail. I guess the third is that I really want to write, and I have more research, and I guess I’ll go through that first draft now (or maybe 0.5 draft).

If I do post something over the next few days, the password is “go fish”.

6 thoughts on “Commit log #130

  1. Your boss is an idiot – but don’t give an idiot the satisfaction (or whatever he’d get out of being wrong). Idiots aren’t worth it. No one WANTS to deal with this stuff – until THEY have it – at which point the rest of society casts THEM off. Way to fix everything. Which puts all of us marginalized folk in the ‘don’t matter’ category. For many years CFS was ‘all in your head’ – and the DSM V is trying to put it back into that category. Way to fix everything. Sheesh. I’ve given up on affecting what ‘normal’ people think – I’d rather spend my time and energy on MY writing.

    On the other: Someone educated me recently. She explained there is a gradation – around 7 different levels? from pure heterosexual to pure homosexual – which made more sense than an on/off switch. Our society doesn’t have 7 levels of bathrooms (14, if you count both genders), and I don’t quite see how bi fits into the scheme unless you line up the two sets of 7, and make cross-connections from one side to the other, or some other silly scheme, but the gradation concept at least makes some sense – and explains lots of historical artifacts.

    You are who you are.

    It’s easier if you are completely one thing or another. Maybe it’s also unlikely.

    And ultimately, who cares? You are you, you are unique, and society is way too concerned with things like preserving property rights through traditional marriage (which might have been important in the Middle Ages among the landed gentry in England and other places, but is hardly as relevant today (except for bathroom manufacturers)).

    I think it is more CONVENIENT to have a binary classification system – ‘if you are a woman, you are on the wrong side of the line, suitable only for office work’ mentality.

    But that doesn’t make it right. Unless you’re male (preferable on the right side of the arbitrary white/not-white, rich/not-rich, etc. classifications).

    • Marginalization sucks any way it happens. :(

      There are two concepts re: the gradation and bathrooms… the first is orientation, or who you’re attracted to, and that’s what the gradation you mention likely refers to. The second is gender identity, which is where the bathroom thing lies. Orientation and gender identity are two discrete things, not related to one another. So it’s perfectly cognizant to identify as male and yet be bisexual, or to identify as androgynous and yet have a preference for women.

  2. I’ve never bound my breasts, but I gather that simple binding can cause back problems. What you want is a compression garment. Billy Martin (formerly Poppy Z Brite) wrote about breast-binding on his LJ a while ago; I’ve just gone back and dug up the link for the product he liked best:, particularly the “Tri-Top” chest compressor.

    Also, your boss is wrong, disastrously wrong, and has failed Basic Empathy. Ignore his advice.

  3. Glad to see you’re still alive. I do worry. Never believe no one will care if you kill yourself. Even if it’s some guy that reads your posts online.

    It’s not just mental health people give wierd advice on. My sister has been diabetic since age 12. She has been told there is no such thing it’s just made up, swinging a dead cat at midnight counterclockwise on the headstone of a murder victim, eat honey, etc will cure it and so on. It’s not your mental health it’s their interferering idioticy

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