Commit log #131

Sorry I’ve been gone from the blog for so long. I haven’t felt like writing. On my recent trip to the candyman, I marked “most days” for not feeling like doing the things I usually do. Drinking tea? no. Reading? Can’t concentrate. Writing? Don’t make me laugh. Cooking? I let my kitchen fall into disaster. Staying at home? Again, let my house fall into disaster. Boardgames? Abandoned. I haven’t even put away the last one I was playing before December.

I decided I wouldn’t have friends anymore on account of fucking shit up, but some have insisted on being friends anyways. I don’t matter anymore to others, but actually that’s fine with me, because that means my self-destructive behavior won’t affect them.

And boy, do I want to self-destruct. But I haven’t made plans. I figure the only “plan” I need is to have a full supply of sleeping pills available. At least I haven’t started the self-harm routine.

Probably I won’t self-destruct. I’m way too selfish that way.

In fact, I am actually doing some things that I stopped doing even before things started going downhill.

1. Cooking. Eating out is expensive and the portions are too large. I bought some ingredients in the insane rush that is the weekend before Christmas and managed to get out mostly unscathed. I cleaned up 1/4 of the dishes that were lying around. I threw out the garbage and cleaned out the fridge.

2. Writing non-fiction. You can see it mostly at Intense Debate, but I’m starting smallish (reviews of Doctor Who episodes as I marathon them to attempt to escape the darkness). I may start mirroring some of them here for searchability purposes.

3. Drinking tea. I’m playing with the novelty of pouring vanilla almond milk into Earl Grey blends (so far Steven Smith’s Lord Bergamot surprisingly isn’t as enjoyable, but Harney & Sons’ Earl Grey Supreme works very well, and even Queen Mary’s Earl Grey Rooibos works (though with different timbre in the taste profile because it’s red and not black tea).

Recently for work I’ve decided to work from the island on certain days, and it’s taken a huge weight off my shoulders—the brutal commute. Going to a rented office environment, friendly and warm space, has made me happy. It’s funny, that space spends a lot more time making its renting workers comfortable than work does. If I could work from that space every day, I would be a lot more satisfied with work.

I was thinking: I could do worse than follow the example of Tamaki Suoh, despite him being a fictional character in a (very strange) romantic comedy. He always keeps moving forward despite what happens to him. He expands his world with experiences. He spends his moments being as happy as possible, and working to make others happy as well. I think it would be a vast improvement on my current character, which tends to look backwards and self-flagellate out of a mistaken belief that it will fix things somehow.

(I mean, I used to hurt myself to get my father to stop hurting me. And it worked, for a little while.)

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