I’m not doing well. But I am doing better than I was before, so there’s that. And I’m doing better than I was two years ago, there’s also that.
But when I think about my life and what a waste it is, I want to kill myself.
So I don’t blog and I don’t think about my life.
That doesn’t seem a way to live. Not for me.
I don’t know what to do.
I just hate myself.
That’s all.
Spontaneous ∂erivation 
What does the bartender say to do?
If you haven’t asked the bartender, that’s the place to start.
Two years ago I was in constant pain – and couldn’t walk around the block. I refused more surgery, took up yoga, have been learning to deal individually with each of the painful parts – and finally found a pair of doctors who have gotten almost back to the place where I can start building stamina by walking around the block.
My aim is a hike in the mountains around Seattle (went to SU). I miss those hikes.
What do you have in your life for strength, breathing, and movement? Almost anything will do. Unfortunately, though gaming is great, it isn’t a physical stress-releaser, has no long-term relaxation benefits, and probably only helps sleep through exhaustion.
Just being able to breathe to release some of the stress is very helpful. You can’t expect stress (and all the crap) to just vanish – but you have more control than you realize. And any little thing shows you are not powerless or helpless.
A therapist gave me permission to release anger; she got me to buy a plastic baseball bat at the dollar store, and whack the heck out of sofa cushions and other soft objects (mattresses work). It is physically helpful to get some of that out of your body. Doesn’t FIX anything, mind you, but it’s not quite as bottled up. I felt silly as all get out. It helped.
You’re better than two years ago: you said it yourself.